AARP Hearing Center
How Do You Know If Your Partner Is Cheating (Other Than a Coldplay Kiss Cam)?
From getting defensive to changes in routine, there are signs of infidelity
John W. Tomac
Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.
Anyone who follows pop culture won’t soon forget the Coldplay kiss cam video that, in spectacular fashion, outed a married man loving on a married work colleague.
ICYMI: The pair, both high-profile executives (and he was her boss), abruptly split apart as Coldplay frontman Chris Martin observed, “Either they’re having an affair or they’re just very shy.” Ouch!
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This week, a questioner wonders what the signs of infidelity are. Hopefully they don’t include a viral video. Just saying.
Our sexuality experts break it down.
How do you know if your long-term partner is cheating, apart from catching them on a Coldplay kiss cam? What are the signs?
First off, ask yourself, “Why am I worried?” As certified mediator and relationship coach Stella Harris puts it: “If you suspect your partner of cheating, that doesn’t necessarily mean that they are. It does mean something is wrong enough that you’re already trying to figure out what’s up.”
Now, what to do.
Trust your gut, then take action. Don’t underestimate your intuition, says licensed psychologist and certified sex therapist Rachel Needle. “If you’re feeling disconnected, on edge or like your partner is emotionally elsewhere,” act on it. This is also a good time to have a conversation with your partner.
“You don’t need a Coldplay kiss cam to know something is wrong,” Needle adds. “If your gut says the music’s changed, it’s time to tune in.”
Tell your partner how you’re feeling. Start from a place of openness, not accusation, Needle suggests. You might say something like, “I’ve been feeling some distance between us lately, and it’s left me feeling unsure and anxious. I’d really like to talk about how we’re doing.”
It’s perfectly OK to ask for clarity, honesty and reassurance. “You deserve nothing less,” says Needle.
When to seek counseling. If the answers you get don’t add up, or your partner shuts down completely, Needle says it may be time to seek the support of a therapist, either individually or together.
About those signs. Licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent says there are behavioral changes that could indicate a partner is cheating. Among them:
- Changing plans last-minute
- Being more private about things that were usually very openly discussed
- Locking their phone more often, or changing passwords
- Taking more pride or interest in personal hygiene and the way they look
Other red flags, according to Needle:
- If your partner starts pulling away emotionally or gets irritated or secretive when you ask simple questions, it could signal they’re hiding something — or at least struggling with something they’re not sharing.
- Some people withdraw physically when they’re cheating, while others become more sexual at home, sometimes out of guilt or heightened stimulation.
- Your partner’s routine shifts: They become engaged in a new interest or activity, stay out late or have stretches of time that are unaccounted for.
- Your partner seems quick to argue or makes you feel like you are the problem.
Respect your partner’s privacy. Even if you do suspect infidelity, Kent warns against invading their privacy. Or, as Harris parses it: “Don’t look for lipstick stains or receipts.“
“It’s not actually productive to do the detective work,” she says. Kent agrees: “It will only make you crazy. Trust is not a tangible thing that can be measured.”
Why do people stray? Kent says there’s usually a buildup of disconnect or a major transition that occurs at the onset of infidelity. A new job, the death of a parent, financial stress, retirement or caring for an older adult parent are all possible triggers.
“I have worked with countless couples who describe some identifiable point in which they felt like they could no longer connect with their spouse, and their bids for connection went rejected,” says Kent. “They sought out comfort elsewhere instead of articulating their own needs or ending the relationship.”
As certified sex therapist Nan Wise explains it, people cheat when they’re looking for a new way to feel good about themselves, to feel excited, to get in touch with a lust for life.
“At the end of the day, people do cheat. It’s not the end of the world,” Wise says. “It doesn’t mean your partner no longer loves you. You need to get back in real truth with one another.”
In other words, she says, stop BS-ing and start telling each other what you are actually thinking and feeling.
Or, as Needle frames it: Don’t wait for the spotlight of a stadium cam to shine a light on your partner’s possible infidelity.
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