I Find My Husband’s Sexual Advances Annoying

Try body mapping. Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman recommends body-mapping with your husband. It’s not a prelude to having sex but a way of gathering intel and, potentially, “opening a door that’s been closed for a long time.”

Here’s how it works: Get naked and touch your own body to find out what feels good — and doesn’t. Now, deliver “your data, your analysis, your report” to your husband while asking him to keep an open mind.

Fleishman points out that when you first got married, you might have liked it when he stroked your arms and legs. “He has to forget what he thinks she likes,” she adds. When you’ve been together for a long time, Fleishman says, you assume you know what your partner likes and wants — and that can be a serious miscalculation.

When you’re ready, ask your husband to touch those body parts that feel good to you. Next, repeat the exercise with him body-mapping himself.

Play with types of touch.  Certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco suggests that you experiment with different ways of touching — its pressure and pacing. Is it too light, too fast, too slow?

“No one teaches you to talk about touch. That’s what’s missing here. Explore touch in a new way and break through this gap that the two of you have.”

Pasciucco recommends trying a three-minute game centered around touch called Wheel of Consent, which she says can help build intimacy and trust. The game involves two people taking turns, asking questions like, “How do you want me to touch you for three minutes?” and then switching to the other partner, asking the same thing.

Why three minutes? Shorter times might feel rushed, leaving little opportunity to explore sensations, says Pasciucco. Longer durations could become overwhelming, especially for beginners who might feel awkward. Three minutes allows for a quick round that can be done multiple times without exhausting people. 

“It’s learning how to communicate through touch,” she says.

Bring out the toys. Think about using sex toys to enliven your sexual connection. Certified sex therapist Rosara Torrisi wonders: Would you be comfortable lying down with your partner while he masturbates or uses a masturbation sleeve or vibrator? Would you consider using a vibrator on him?

“Figure out how flexible you can be,” she says. “What are you comfortable with? What would work? Of course, you don’t want to have sex you don’t want to have. But sex toys can be a bridge.”

Consult a physician. Since you lost all sexual desire even before menopause, Harris-Jackson suggests checking in with a health care provider. She says to discuss any other symptoms you might be experiencing, like depression, stress, pain and a loss of interest in things you once enjoyed.

A doctor will likely check your hormone, thyroid and vitamin B and D levels — all of which can affect libido.  “A variety of things can impact our sexual desire,” she says. “Best to rule out any medical issues.”

If you’re done with sex, it’s OK. Torrisi says she’s heard from a lot of women who appreciate getting older because it gives them permission to stop pretending that they enjoy sex or want to engage in it.

“They go: ‘Great, I’m done.’ Sex, honestly, isn’t for everybody,” she says, adding that “not everyone is all that sexual.” Many of the women she’s counseled say they would not have opted out early in their marriages because it’s what they were “supposed” to do, but that they are relieved that it can be done now.

But do expect consequences. When one partner takes sex off the table, Torrisi says, it will “destabilize” the relationship because it’s a unilateral decision.

Some women have consulted her about how to figure out ways to help their husbands understand why they’ve opted out. Outcomes can vary — ranging from affairs to living separate but parallel lives. “You do your thing, I’ll do mine,” she says. “Others resign themselves to it, remain committed in a monogamous relationship even if it’s nonsexual — but often feel very bitter and sad about it.”