Ready to Break a Sex Drought? Here's What to Know

Check for mutual interest. Make sure you’re both on the same page about exploring an intimate relationship, says Fariello, who’s also the founder and director of the Philadelphia Institute for Individual, Relational & Sex Therapy, a therapy practice specializing in sexual health.

Possible talking points: “I’ve been wondering: Do you ever think about how our relationship could evolve beyond just friendship?” and “Do you think it’s possible for two friends to become more physically intimate with each other, or do you see that as boundary?”

Be transparent about your intentions. If you just want to have sex, fine, but if you want a relationship as well, you need to disclose it at the outset, says certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco, adding that it’s important to maintain a level of trust between the two of you.

Give your friend room to respond. “Let your friend share his thoughts, feelings and any concerns,” Fariello says. “Conversations about intimacy should involve both parties equally, and it’s important to listen to his side.”

What if he’s not into it? Acknowledge and respect his boundaries if your friend is not open to a sexual relationship, Fariello says.

If your friend is up for it, do some emotional prep work.

First off, a pep talk. “Start by reminding yourself that you really can do this,” says certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman.

Getting close to someone sexually can be scary or exciting or awkward — or all of those things, Fleishman says. Take your emotional temperature and be kind to yourself.

If you notice that you’re feeling tender or vulnerable, that’s OK. “It’s a good thing,” she notes. “Stay curious about how you’re feeling.” And, if it’s comfortable for you, Fleishman suggests talking about your feelings with a trusted friend.

Expect the unexpected. Fleishman says it’s important to know going in, even as older adults, that thinking about a sexual encounter with a new partner can create mixed feelings. “You never know what’s going to come up,” she says, adding that it can trigger “old insecurities, old hurts, old wounds.”

Don’t forget to prep your body

For some older women who haven’t been sexually active in a long time, it can be painful to have penetrative sex due to lack of activity as well as physical changes, like vaginal dryness, associated with menopause.

As urogynecologist Padma Kandadai puts it: “The vagina is a use-it-or-lose-it organ. If you haven’t had sex for years, it may take time to get your vagina ready. The good news: You can get it back.” 

In advance of having penetrative sex, Kandadai recommends any of the following:

• Dildos and dilators. Practice penetration with a dildo or a vaginal dilator, both available online. How your vagina responds will give you a good idea of what it will feel like to be penetrated by a penis. “The act of penetration and movement in the vagina helps increase and maintain blood flow, which allows the vagina to stretch better with penetration and helps with sensations such as orgasm,” Kandadai says. Dilators, if prescribed by a physician, may be covered by insurance.
• Vaginal estrogen. Prescribed by a doctor, vaginal estrogen helps keep the tissue strong and supple. It comes in several different forms: cream, insertable tablet or an insertable ring that lasts for three months. When you start using the cream or tablet, you use it daily for two weeks, then two or three times a week as a maintenance dose.
• Pelvic wand. Commonly used in pelvic physical therapy, the wand is used to massage and relax the pelvic muscles. You can buy it online or at a sex shop. To use it, lie on your back, insert the wand into your vagina and gently massage the pelvic floor muscles. Kandadai suggests first talking to your gynecologist about whether a wand is a good idea for you. Some insurance plans may cover the device.
• Lube. Using a water-based lubricant, available over the counter in drugstores, helps maintain moisture in the vagina when you are having sex; Kandadai says it will smooth the gliding motion of the penis. Olive oil and coconut oil can also be used as lubricant. But note that oils and oil-based lotions should not be used with latex condoms. And, before you use anything, it's a good idea to check with your gynecologist first.
• Figure out what turns you on. Fleishman suggests spending time alone in your shower or bedroom and paying attention to what feels good when you’re naked.

She recommends a sensual start, touching your body with your hands or a soft piece of fabric. Take notice of what feels good erotically. Fleishman also recommends using a vibrator to help you reach a state of arousal.

“Remember, you’re doing research, so go slowly and do not judge,” she says, adding that if you do have sex, you can now transfer your new knowledge to your old friend.