Is It a Bad Fight or Emotional Abuse?

Remember that it’s not about you. One of the most important things you can do is recognize that any outsized anger issue your wife may have has nothing to do with you, says certified sexologist Susan Milstein. She acknowledges that this isn’t an easy thing to do, “especially when you are in the middle of a fight and someone you love is hurting you.”

In all likelihood, she says, it’s unhealthy behavior your wife observed growing up and is repeating as an adult.

“Try not to take it personally,” Milstein urges. “Couples who have been together for a long time know how to hurt each other. If someone is pushing my buttons, it’s hard to think it’s not about me. But this sounds more like a her-issue than a him-issue.”

What healthy fighting looks like. In heightened states of emotion, we can all get defensive, lash out and be mean, says mental health advocate KC Davis, author of Who Deserves Your Love, a new book about relationships and boundary-setting.

In a non-abusive relationship, Davis says, your partner, when called out, is open to listening to how the behavior affected you, is willing to apologize and takes steps to avoid repeating that behavior in the future.

The line between mistreatment and emotional abuse. Davis says emotional mistreatment occurs when the person repeats harmful behavior — and is either dismissive about it or acts remorseful but makes no effort to change.

Mistreatment veers into the realm of emotional abuse when coercion, control, degradation or intimidation are added to the mix. Here are examples of what that can look like:

• Coercion and control. A wife is always trying to prevent her husband from seeing his family and blows up when he says he wants to attend his grandson’s graduation. “You care more about them than me,” the wife yells. The goal: to shame him out of going to the event and to control who he sees. “If this is a pattern, that’s emotionally abusive,” Davis says.
• Degradation. Davis acknowledges that we all say things we sometimes don’t mean when we’re angry, but language like “You’re a piece of s***,” “You’re a good-for-nothing” or “No one would put up with this but me” takes things to a new level. “That’s language that should be a red flag for emotional abuse,” says Davis. “That’s degrading.”
• Intimidation. If someone is using explosive anger or threats to make you feel afraid, even if they aren’t physically hurting you, it’s still abuse, according to Davis. She says this includes threats of harm that are meant to control you, like “I will tell so-and-so” if you don’t do what they’re telling you to do.

So how do you foster healthy communication?

Set emotional boundaries. Needle says if your wife is yelling or shutting down, it’s OK to calmly say, “I want to talk to you, but not like this.” Needle adds, “You’re not responsible for managing her anger, but you can protect your peace.”

Davis says to take a break if the situation escalates, suggesting it to your partner with soothing language such as “With respect, I’m going to take a pause” or “We need to take a break — not because I don’t care, but I need space to think about what you said.”

How to have a productive conversation. Davis says to talk to your wife about your concerns when you both are calm and not in the middle of a fight. Other tips: Avoid accusations about someone’s motives or character, and focus on how the behavior impacts you. Acknowledge your own sensitivities and take accountability for your behavior. Listen and validate the other person’s feelings and sensitivities as well.

And if the behavior is unacceptable, Davis encourages you to say so — while also assuring her, “It’s not you against me or me against you. This is about us, our relationship.”

Find support. Needle says a therapist, either individual or couples, can help you process what’s happening and determine what’s healthy and what isn’t. A therapist can also teach you how to communicate more effectively and set boundaries without escalating conflict.

If this is new behavior, consult a physician. With certain types of dementia and Alzheimer’s, a person can undergo behavior and personality changes, including anger.

“It’s definitely a symptom,” says neuropsychologist Hayley B. Kristinsson, a health sciences assistant clinical professor at University of California, Irvine. “Sometimes people turn that anger on themselves, sometimes on family members.”

If you think this could be the case with your wife, Kristinsson suggests talking to her about seeking an evaluation from a primary care physician or neurologist.