What’s a Normal Amount of Time to Spend With My Spouse in Retirement?

If I don’t want to hang out 24/7 with my husband, is that a sign our relationship is on the fritz?

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published October 16, 2025

A graphic illustration shows an older adult couple in separate domed glass bubbles, relaxing in beach chairs while reading

Kiersten Essenpreis

I have a friend whom I love spending time with — we’ve done a weekly porch hang for years. That changed when her husband retired. He’s now front and center, and I, along with other friends, have been shunted to the sidelines.

In the Mood recently received several queries from readers asking for advice on how to navigate that tricky terrain called retirement. Our relationship and sexuality experts weigh in.

What is the usual amount of time to spend with your spouse in retirement? Sometimes I just want my own space, but my friend says she wants to be with her partner 24/7. They do everything together. Is there something wrong with my relationship?

As to your first question, licensed clinical social worker Allison Kent pointedly says: “The correct and only answer is, ‘Whatever works for you both.’”

Calling comparison the “thief of joy,” Kent continues, “Your friend and her partner might spend every waking moment together and that works for them, but that’s their relationship, not yours.”

Here’s how to figure out how much together time is right for you and your spouse.

It’s OK for partners to want different things. If your partner wants more closeness than you do, you can navigate and negotiate, says certified sex therapist Nan Wise.

“Don’t judge each other for being different,” says Wise, author of Why Good Sex Matters.

“We also get to change over time, re-navigating and renegotiating. It’s not about how much time you spend together but the quality that you bring to that time.”

Like spending time apart? That’s OK. Just because you’re under the same roof more often doesn’t mean you’re automatically connected, says licensed psychologist Rachel Needle, codirector of the Florida-based Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a continuing education provider offering a PhD in clinical sexology.

“Ironically, many couples need a bit of healthy separation to reignite desire,” Needle explains. “Spend some time apart doing your own thing — and then come back together with fresh energy to share.”

Wise says there’s absolutely nothing wrong with wanting more space and alone time. “For some people it’s togetherness first; for others it’s separateness first,” she says. “That’s perfectly valid; this is a continuum. We don’t have to be joined at the hip for everything.”

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But it’s always good to check in with yourself and your partner. Certified sex therapist and licensed marriage and family therapist Shadeen Francis says to first conduct a self-inventory that includes questions like:

How do I like to spend my time?
How much quality time is the right amount of time for me and my relationship?
How much personal time do I want and need?

And instead of worrying about your friend’s situation, Kent suggests that you have a check-in with your own partner. Among the topics she suggests investigating:

Are you both on the same page about quality time, intimacy, shared hobbies, meals, future goals?

“If the answer is yes, kudos to you both,” she says. “If the answer is no in any area, then keep talking about it and find a way to support each other in getting there.”

Be prepared to negotiate. Francis suggests acknowledging that you and your partner might need to talk it out and do a little compromising.

“You may find that some of your wishes may not align really clearly,” she says. “You might like four days a week golfing alone, and they might want to have a movie marathon with you every day.”

One of the best ways to say a “collective yes” is to take turns fulfilling each other’s wishes, she adds. “It’s the easiest way to get what we want.”

Engage in wishful thinking. Francis is a fan of what she calls “wishful-thinking conversations” when looking at the big picture moving forward.

Here’s how to do that: Talk with your partner about the hope or excitement or wishes you have for this next chunk of time. Pick a time frame — this month, this year, before you die — and wish or dream aloud together about the things you want to try, love, feel, do, change, see. “It’s not a commitment or a promise you’re making, it’s just fantasizing,” says Francis.

Next, start to make intentional plans. “When folks do this, they’re often surprised to hear about what comes up,” she says. “After years of working, a lot of people want to celebrate this time and make the most of it.”

The bottom line. As a certified sexuality educator, Jane Fleishman often reminds older adults, “Once you are retired, you are in charge of your own time. It’s up to you to make the most of it.”

She urges couples to communicate and build in space for intimacy and sex so that they don’t lose their personal and romantic time to other projects and people. Her parting thought: “The most important piece of this is that you are with each other because you want to be.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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