My Husband Has Always Been a Big Flirt

Our marriage was strong: Joe was the epitome of a loving husband and father, and I naively believed that nothing could damage our relationship. But I also knew that some women might misinterpret Joe’s friendliness as sexual interest, even though he was just trying to be nice.

Yet I couldn’t help wondering: If our marriage ever hit a rough patch, would Joe’s faithfulness be put to the test if any of these women crossed a line?

That day came when Joe joined the PTA board at our children’s elementary school. We were both active volunteers and knew the teachers well. Joe was his usual friendly self with the staff, and they knew they could depend on him to pitch in wherever he was needed.

But there was a young, attractive mother on the board who quickly befriended Joe and often turned to him for advice. She called him frequently and made a point of being at the school on the days he volunteered. I wasn’t too concerned until I met Lila at a fundraiser and saw how she responded to Joe — the frequent touching, smiling and laughing with him. It was evident that Joe enjoyed her attention, which gave me an uneasy feeling.

Soon after, I learned that Lila had a reputation for being overly friendly with other married fathers at the school. One friend who knew Lila well warned me that I needed to set boundaries with Joe before things escalated. As expected, when I voiced my concerns, Joe became defensive and said I was overreacting. I argued that his friendliness with Lila might come across as an open invitation to something else, and that I didn’t trust her.

I asked him to cut ties with the woman out of respect for our marriage. At first he balked, but he eventually agreed to end the friendship since I felt threatened by it. His hesitation, however, was a warning sign, prompting me to ask what it was about Lila that attracted him.

Joe admitted that he enjoyed her attention — something he felt was lacking in our marriage, since I was always focused on work and our children. They were my priority, which left him feeling that his needs were secondary and no longer mattered. Resentment led him to someone else, who made him feel attractive and vital again.

Startled by this revelation, I realized, for the first time, that my marriage was in trouble. Although Joe swore that nothing physical had ever happened with Lila, the fact that he was having an emotional affair with her was just as hurtful. I was plagued by a sickening sense of jealousy and anger, and I questioned every flirtatious move he had made in the past with other women.

The constant arguing strained our marriage to the point that we sought counseling to get to the root of our problems.

Joe’s feelings of inadequacy and his need for attention played a big part in it, as did my lack of trust and respect, evidenced in how I’d ignored his needs for emotional and physical closeness in our relationship. We had a lot of healing work ahead of us, but we were more than willing to make our 15-year marriage work. Weekly therapy sessions taught us the importance of trust, communication and mutual respect. 

Acknowledging our feelings brought us closer together, igniting the old love that we’d been too busy to nurture. Now that we’re older, with 41 years of marriage under our belts, Joe’s playful flirting no longer bothers me. Even if it did, I know he’d stop if I asked him to — but I won’t, because I trust him.

Flirting makes him feel like he’s still “got it,” and I find that endearing. I like to flirt on occasion, too, and when I do, it’s harmless fun. Besides, a little boost to the ego never hurts. 

But mostly Joe and I flirt with each other, and there’s nothing more satisfying than hearing younger people say they hope to find a love like ours one day. They tell us how fortunate we are, and I couldn’t agree more.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.