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25 Great Ways to Help With a Newborn Grandchild
Strategies that’ll make those chaotic early days better for the whole family
Read on to learn how multiple generations can work together to bring up baby.
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Key takeaways
- Learning your adult child’s parenting approach ahead of time helps you support them in the moment without second-guessing or conflict.
- Practical help around the house or getting supplies is more useful than taking over care of the baby.
- Extra support is usually most needed weeks after the baby is born, when visitors show up less often and exhaustion sets in.
According to the National Association for Grandparenting, approximately 1 million Americans become new grandparents each year. If you’re among that group, congratulations! The joy of welcoming a grandbaby into the family is unlike any other. But like any major life transition, the arrival of a new baby can cause stress even in the most tight-knit of families. Grandparents want to help their adult children navigate the early days of parenthood — the sleep deprivation, the diaper blowouts, the in-laws — but it’s not always clear how best to do so.
Tammy Knox Sandel, a certified birth doula in West Lafayette, Indiana, says that despite how tempting it might be, it’s not about being in charge of your grandbaby.
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Your goal as a new grandparent is “setting up the new mom and her partner so the baby has successful, confident parents,” says Sandel. “It’s not to swoop in and save the day. That might be gratifying as a grandparent, but never at the price of undermining the confidence of the new parents.” That can be easier said than done, especially when there’s a sweet-smelling new baby begging to be cuddled.
These strategies will help your adult children bond with their baby, feel more confident in parenting, and bring all three generations closer together.
BEFORE THE BABY ARRIVES
1. Ask about the parenting books your child is reading
Expectations and standards of parenting vary significantly across generations. For example, many parents today follow safe-sleep rules such as placing babies on their backs with no blanket — guidance that differs from what many grandparents were taught. That’s why Elaine Swann, author of Elaine Swann’s Book of Modern Etiquette, suggests that grandparents familiarize themselves with their child’s parenting style in advance.
Ask if they’ve read any parenting books, Swann says. “Then go and take a look at the book — you can just get the CliffsNotes version — so you can see where their mindset is.”
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Swann emphasizes that you don’t need to agree with everything your child plans to do as a parent. “You’re simply there to assist, and keep in mind that they’re creating their own path,” she says. That’s why learning about their parenting choices ahead of time will help you be ready in the moment.
Popular book titles to consider include The Happiest Baby on the Block by pediatrician Dr. Harvey Karp, Cribsheet by economist Emily Oster, and Precious Little Sleep by Alexis Dubief, a technology writer and mother.
2. Plan for tangible ways to help your child’s day-to-day life
You can offer practical support in many ways. Sandel mentions how the mother of one of her clients brought motion-activated night-lights with her when she came to visit. The new grandmother “put them throughout the house,” Sandel says, “because if you’re up in the middle of the night, you don’t want a night-light that stays on all the time in case you did get to sleep.”
Depending on your child’s situation, you might schedule diaper deliveries or meal trains in advance, or gift dog-walking or housecleaning services. Be sure to check with your child in advance to avoid duplicating their efforts.
3. Prioritize your needs first
Whether you live a plane ride away or right next door, address logistical concerns ahead of time so you can jump in when your child needs help with the baby. Make sure your prescriptions are filled, your vaccinations are up to date, your laundry is done, and your ID allows you to travel if necessary. You want to show up calm and fully available to help, not stressed out from being unprepared.
Reach out to help your own child before turning your attention to the newborn.
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4. Be there for your baby, not your grandbaby
With a new grandchild’s arrival, it’s easy to lose sight of the fact that your child is going through a major life change that’s both joyful and scary. That’s why you should focus on helping your child before assisting with your grandchild.
Dr. Christen McAlpine-Tesfai, a primary care pediatrician at Children’s Wisconsin in Milwaukee, remembers how meaningful it was to be the center of her mother’s attention after giving birth to twins. “Once they were here, my mother said, ‘Everybody’s going to want to see the twins, but I’m here for you,’ ” she recalls. She said, “‘You’re forever going to be my baby, and I’m here for you.’ ”
IN THE FIRST FEW DAYS AT HOME
5. Give new mothers ‘toddler food’
You may remember how difficult it was to sit down to a meal with a new baby. Like clockwork, the parent takes their first bite — and the baby wakes up with a wail.
This three-times-a-day conundrum is made worse by the fact that postpartum mothers are often ravenous. “If she’s breastfeeding, she’s requiring 600 more calories a day over being pregnant, which is 900 extra calories over being non-pregnant,” Sandel explains.
A great way to keep new mothers fed is to give them lots of water and little meals, the same way you’d feed a toddler. “Make sure her water glass is always magically full,” Sandel says, “because she needs lots and lots of fluid.” And set out “bowls of cheese cubes, nuts, raspberries — little snacky things” that are “easy to eat and [that] get more calories into her.”
6. Ask for information that the hospital shared
Your child likely came home with pamphlets or brochures, or was directed to informational websites to help them care for their infant and themselves. Asking for access to whatever the hospital shared with the new parents is a good way for you to understand the safety issues yourself, especially if you’ll be one of your grandchild’s caregivers. You might also be in a better position to retain the information since you’re not recovering from an exhausting labor and delivery.
7. Open the curtains during the day
“A lot of people think the baby will automatically be awake during the day and sleeping at night,” says McAlpine-Tesfai. “But in the womb, Mom was moving around all day long, and that’s when the baby was sleeping.”
It can take a little while for babies to adjust to the day/night sleep schedule, but making sure their days are light-filled and their nights are dark will ease the transition. A daily walk outside can help. “If the lights are on day and night, the baby doesn’t know which is which,” says McAlpine-Tesfai. “Opening windows and curtains during the day, and turning off electronics and really darkening the room at night, really helps them.”
8. Tell the new parents they’re doing great
Even if you’re sure your adult kids know how proud you are of them, they need to hear it right now. Postpartum mothers in particular need to know that their parents see them as competent, since the mix of hormones and exhaustion makes it difficult to hear compliments.
“We know in postpartum doula work that if you say something negative to a new mom in that vulnerable state, she will absolutely hear it and believe it,” Sandel says. “And if you say something positive to them, you need to say it three times” for it to sink in.
It’s also important to let the new mother’s partner know that they are doing a good job, too. After all, parenting a newborn is stressful for everyone involved.
9. Offer what privacy you can
Privacy can mean different things in every family, but Sandel recommends that grandparents step back when parents seem overexposed or overstimulated.
“You can become invisible while still being there,” Sandel explains. That might mean getting engrossed in your e-reader if you’re not able to leave the room, or taking a walk around the block. Dim lights and quiet also create a sense of seclusion, providing “visual and auditory privacy,” says Sandel.
One of the best ways to support your child is to jump in and help with household tasks.
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10. Remember that you’re not exactly a houseguest
Staying in your adult child’s house to help out with a new baby doesn’t follow the normal rules of being a houseguest — or even the rules of family guests.
“Typically for a houseguest, you kind of wait to see what the house is going to do,” Swann says. That goes for everything from meal planning to orchestrating the day’s events. “But if you’re there to help, your job is to help.”
Swann recommends asking how you can help, but you can also be proactive about getting dinner started, taking the dog for a walk or throwing a load of laundry in the washer if you’re familiar enough with the household to know the routines.
DURING THE FIRST TWO WEEKS
11. Take on the parents’ least favorite chores
Ask your adult child which chores they hate most (trash, pet care, dishes), and then take care of them. Whether you do it yourself or coordinate volunteers, your kid will be delighted to have these tasks off their plate while they’re getting into the swing of new parenthood.
12. Create a to-do list for visitors
McAlpine-Tesfai was impressed by the ingenuity of a friend (and fellow twin mom) who conscripted visitors into helping around the house. “She said, ‘People are not going to come over to just hold my babies,’” McAlpine-Tesfai says. “Her rule was, ‘If you’re going to come, you’re going to check something off of the to-do list.’ And so whether it was washing the dishes [or] doing the laundry, you had to do something in order to hold the twins.”
Put together your own visitor to-do list with tasks such as mopping the floor, folding clothes or making beds, for them to do before they get to hold the baby.
13. Offer to go to appointments with the parents
McAlpine-Tesfai suggests going to early pediatrician appointments with new parents to help them handle the logistics of leaving the house with a newborn, such as packing diapers and wipes, tending to bottles and pacifiers, and loading and unloading baby carriers. (You could also pack up everything they’d need if they want to go to the appointment on their own.) “It’s hard to carry a newborn and all the stuff that goes with traveling,” she says. Having another adult “makes such a big difference.”
Give the baby some snuggles while the parents take a break. They’ll really appreciate it.
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14. Hold the baby while the parents nap or shower
Nettie Palay, a psychiatric mental health and pediatric nurse practitioner at Mindful Medicine in Bayside, Wisconsin, reminds grandparents that new parents love to hold their babies. “The baby will give everyone this boost of energy,” Palay says, “so it’s not all that helpful if the grandparents come over and hold the baby, and Mom has to do all the work.”
Instead, Palay suggests giving the baby snuggles while the parents get some much-needed self-care. “A nap is life-changing in the beginning, especially during those first weeks when the baby’s sleeping all the time but not consecutively,” she says.
Showers are also tough to come by in those early days, so that’s another great time to offer to hold the baby.
IF THERE ARE OLDER SIBLINGS AT HOME
15. Ask the big kid to be your helper
Small children love to help their favorite grownups, including their grandparents. Ask a newly minted big sibling to be your helper, reminding them that the baby needs help because they can’t do anything on their own. It’s a surefire way to boost the older sibling’s self-esteem and get them out of their parents’ hair for a little while. It’s also an extra set of hands available for needed tasks.
16. Spend one-on-one time with the older kiddo
Older grandchildren are sure to notice how much more attention their baby sibling is receiving. Palay recommends spending regular one-on-one time with your big grandkid to help them adjust. And compare what big kids can do to what babies can do.
Remind them that they’re the big kid and they get to have lunch with Grandma and Grandpa, Palay says. Tell them, “The baby can’t do this, and you get to!”
A small present for an older sibling lets them know they’re just as important as the new baby.
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17. Bring a gift to the new big brother or sister
“Everyone loves a new baby,” Palay says, “but not everyone remembers the 2-year-old that really needs Mommy and Daddy and now doesn’t have them 100 percent.” This common dynamic can be made worse if Nana and PopPop are also more enamored with the new baby than the big kid who used to be their favorite.
One way to ease the transition is to bring a gift to the older sibling rather than the baby. “Make a big deal about being a big brother or big sister and how this is such an important role. And when the baby’s born, you give a big gift to the sibling,” Palay says. Tell them, “Because this baby is here, you get this awesome gift.” This helps the big kid associate the baby with something great.
IF THE BABY WAS BORN WITH HEALTH ISSUES
18. Encourage the parents to take care of themselves
According to statistics from the U.S. Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 9.8 percent of infants born in 2023 were admitted to a neonatal intensive-care unit (NICU). If a baby arrives prematurely or requires extra care in an NICU, parents are liable to blame themselves. McAlpine-Tesfai often sees this manifest as parents feeling guilty for going home to get some rest.
“As a parent, you can’t take care of anybody else unless you’re also taking care of yourself first,” she says.
But if your adult child is feeling overwhelmed and guilty, the message may need to come from you. Let your kids know that it’s OK to take care of themselves or their households. You might even consider sharing a story about a time you did the same thing when your child was a baby.
19. Take over any communication with extended family
Everyone from your son-in-law’s great-aunt Sylvia to your daughter’s best friend from kindergarten will want to know what’s happening with the baby and will try to contact the worried parents for updates.
An easy way to reduce their stress is by taking over as communications director, or nominating another individual to assume that role. Let family and friends know that they need to contact you for news, questions and updates, while letting the parents focus on their child’s health and well-being.
20. Talk to the big sibling in a reassuring way
If there’s an older sibling at home, you may not know how to tell them about the baby’s health issues. Palay says it’s important to normalize the situation so you don’t stress your older grandchild.
“Obviously, there’s limited information they can handle,” she says. So you want to emphasize that the baby needs to spend a little more time in the hospital to get stronger before coming home.
21. Use the ‘ring theory’ to help with stress
Sandel recommends using the ‘ring theory’ for handling stress while your child manages the next steps for a baby with health issues. This theory, developed by psychologist Susan Silk, posits that people affected by a crisis are arranged in concentric social circles. In the center, the bull’s-eye, are the people most affected: in this case, the baby’s parents. The next circle contains the people closest to the situation. They might include you, the other set of grandparents and your other children. In the next circle are more distantly related people, such as your siblings and closest friends.
The rule of the ring theory is simple: You may only send comfort and support in, and you may only dump stress out. Those in the center of the circle may dump in all directions, since everyone else is outside.
As a parent, you can only offer comfort and support to your adult child. Your stress or complaints must be dumped into an outer ring.
Sandel also wants to remind grandparents that “comfort” often means sitting quietly with your child’s stress. “It means listening to the inner-ring person talk, holding space for them to speak,” she says.
ONGOING
22. Let things roll off your back
Sandel encourages grandparents to forgive in advance and let things go. Have grace for the exhausted new parents, because they may say something to you that’s out of character, she says.
When her own child was a newborn, Sandel told her in-laws to get the [expletive] out of her kitchen. “They were trying really hard to help,” she says. “But they were asking me 100 questions about which paper towels and which cleaner. I just couldn’t handle it.”
23. Keep an eye out for ‘baby blues’ lasting past the second week
The “baby blues” are incredibly common right after birth, affecting up to 80 percent of new mothers in the United States. Sandel says these depressive feelings are due to hormonal fluctuations and “exhaustion because of a long pregnancy and then the birth, however it went.”
So it’s perfectly normal for new moms to ride an emotional roller coaster for the first two weeks after birth. “But after two weeks, if a new mom is crying constantly, or if you’re really worried,” that’s when it might be time to have a conversation about postpartum depression, Sandel says.
Grandparents are in a good position to keep an eye on new parents to see if the baby blues are a normal emotional dysregulation from exhaustion and hormones, or if there’s something more serious going on.
24. Plan to offer more support around six weeks
Many new parents have lots of assistance in the first couple of weeks, but the helpful visitors often dry up around the same time parental leave ends. “That’s when the fatigue sets in,” Palay says. “People have stopped visiting, and that’s when the new parents really need help with dishes, meals and day-to-day minutiae.”
Returning to help again or increasing your support around the six-week mark will be much appreciated by your adult children, especially if it coincides with either parent’s return to work.
25. Be present
You can offer your child and grandchild a powerful connection and source of ongoing comfort and support simply by being present with them.
Studies with early hospital-based birth doulas found that “unconditional positive regard, continual presence and smiling” at the birthing mothers improved the birthing experience significantly, Sandel says. “There were lower incidences of interventions or cesareans, higher satisfaction with the birth, higher confidence in the mothers, and better mother-baby bonding, just because someone sat with them. Unconditional loving presence is really powerful.” In the end, showing up consistently, without taking over, may be the most powerful support of all.
The key takeaways were created with the assistance of generative AI. An AARP editor reviewed and refined the content for accuracy and clarity.
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