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A Letter From One Golden Bachelorette to Another

Less vulnerability and more sustainability is the advice this writer gives to ‘The Golden Bachelorette’ star

Susan Moeller,

AARP

Published October 17, 2024

joan vassos raises a glass to contestants on the golden bachelorette

Joan Vassos on ‘The Golden Bachelorette’

Disney

Dear Joan:

As the first Golden Bachelorette, I know you get lots of advice, to say nothing of snark (and worse). But can we talk? As a single woman who’s got a few years on you, The Golden Bachelorette has been making me cringe.

To be honest, I’m not a reality show regular. But I was curious — after Gerry Turner, 72, was a pop culture success on The Golden Bachelor — how the show might tackle the perspective of an older woman.

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And I admire your chutzpah — you must have had an idea of what was coming after being one of the women in the mansion vying for Gerry’s attention. Now, as the Golden Bachelorette, you are “dating” your way through your own two dozen candidates.

You seem like a lovely person — caring, kind, sincere, family-oriented, fun and, of course, beautiful. And as a widow who had to endure a traumatic ending to what was a long and loving marriage, you’re an everywoman whom the network can present as noble and courageous.

But I hope you’ll let me give you some advice as someone who has gone through something similar and is a little more … seasoned.

I became single at 50-something, and I empathize with much of what you describe. Like how women of a certain age suddenly become invisible. The first time it happened to me, I was standing next to my 20-something daughter at the fruit market and realized the guy selling tomatoes wouldn’t see me if I were a flashing neon sign.

And after your husband’s illness and death, I’m sure it’s tempting to want to be with someone who is noticing you, offering you a safe harbor. As women, we’ve been taught that romance is always the answer. But is it? It can take a while to figure out who you are without a spouse — yes, even years.

You’ve spent a good part of past three years since your husband passed on these two shows. And to that I say, good on you! Why not have a great time on reality TV, rocking those slinky dresses, going to Vegas and Disneyland, watching these guys grind like the Chippendales. Kiss as many of them as you like. Cuddle with the gentleman with the sexy French accent and well-cut suits even though he’s paying one of the other guys to do his laundry.

Then, take off your Spanx, kick off your heels, go home and take some time to figure out who you are without a romantic partner.

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Because while romance is lovely, the odds are good that even on your second go-round you’re going to outlive your spouse. And it’s going to be a lot easier to learn to live alone now than when you’re a grieving widow at 80.

So have those adventures you keep talking about on the show. Maybe take a solo vacation or splurge on a major purchase or redo the living room the way you want it without having to negotiate on colors.

And if you don’t know how to already, make sure you can take care of yourself when times get rough. Do you know how to navigate a power outage or a car breakdown or manage a health crisis on your own? If not, figure it out, because sometimes you do find yourself on your own — even if you didn’t want it that way.

And learn how to feel special and visible — those two things you said you hope to get out of a relationship — on your own.

Oh and friends. Please, make and nurture friendships — the kind that will support you through real old age. The friends that understand what you’re going through as well as those who can give you a ride to the doctor when the friends your age can’t any longer.

When you have you sorted out, then, and only then, if you want romance, find someone who honors the life you have and your independence.

And find the partner you want — not the one society and social media think you should have. If Gerry can date a woman 12 years younger, why can’t you? I find it interesting that the network apparently thinks it’s unseemly for you to cast your eye on anyone younger than 57. If they held to the same math they did for Gerry's, the show’s host, Jesse Palmer, 46, almost qualifies for a date.

My final bit of advice: Focus less on the “vulnerability” you seek and more on sustainability — a partner who wears well and has the courage to head into the next 25 years with respect for all that you have become in your later years. Oh, and make sure he can do his own laundry.

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.

Susan Moeller is a contributing writer who covers lifestyle, health, finance and human-interest topics. A former newspaper reporter and editor, she also writes features and essays for the Boston Globe Magazine and her local NPR station, among other outlets.

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