‘Seinfeld’ Writer Gives Pointers on Making a Speech They’ll Never Forget

Comedy writer and comedian Carol Leifer offers do’s and don’ts for weddings and retirement parties

Whitney Matheson,

AARP

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Published August 15, 2025

It can be a frightening proposition: You’re expected to give a short speech or toast at a wedding or a coworker’s retirement party. And even worse is that in these modern times, you know someone is going to shoot video of you on their phone, maybe even post it to social media. That’s a lot of pressure to come up with the right words

A professional comedy writer is here to help.

Carol Leifer, 69, has had a long and successful stand-up career. Her relationship many years ago with Jerry Seinfeld, 71, partly inspired the Elaine character on his sitcom Seinfeld, on which Leifer worked as a writer and had a bit part as a receptionist. She also has done Emmy-winning work on other hit shows including Hacks and Saturday Night Live.

In her new book, How to Write a Funny Speech … for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation & Every Other Event You Didn’t Want to Go to in the First Place, released earlier this year, Leifer (with cowriter Rick Mitchell) offers advice for delivering the kind of speech people will remember — in a good way.

“I had just been to an event where the father of the bride gave such a clunker of a speech that it was the talk of the valet line of how bad it was,” Leifer says of her inspiration for the book. “It’s an important day for whoever you’re celebrating. You don’t want to lay an egg. You want them to feel happy about what you said, what you came up with.”

a person raising a glass of champagne while making a toast

Comedian Carol Leifer’s book "How to Write a Funny Speech" offers advice on delivering a speech people will never forget (in a good way).

Patrick Leger

Here are some of Leifer’s speechmaking do’s and don’ts:

Don’t be lazy

While it may be tempting to do no preparation and just “wing it,” or let AI write your remarks, Leifer says everyone who knows they will be in this position should take the time to craft a thoughtful speech in advance. “AI is not personal, and the whole backbone of a speech is personal,” she says. “You’re the only person who has this relationship with this person or couple, so it’s important to draw on that material. Especially parents: Tell a funny story about your son or daughter as a kid.”

Do introduce yourself

It seems obvious but is often overlooked, Leifer says. “At the beginning, say who you are. So many people get up there and start talking, and you’re wondering, ‘Is this a relative? Is this a roommate? Is this their hairdresser?’ You just don’t know.”

Do make ’em laugh

Come up with a funny story or two about the person you’re celebrating, and the crowd will likely respond. “People want to laugh,” Leifer says. “It lightens the mood.” This can even include funerals or celebrations of life. “It’s really important because people want to remember this person finally; they want to laugh about them,” she says. Tread lightly at retirement parties, though. “You got to be careful with the age jokes. That can sometimes go very south.” If the idea of being funny seems daunting, Leifer included jokes to steal in her book. “Take our jokes. You’re free to have them, run with them.”

But don’t joke around the entire time

Speak sincerely, too. Remind the audience why the honoree is so special. If it’s a retirement party, for instance, “talk about how you’ll miss them and what they brought to the office,” Leifer says.

Do a little workshopping

“Practice your speech in front of someone who’s going to be honest, and tell you where it’s good, where it’s bad and also maybe where you should take something out,” Leifer says. Better yet, test it on two or more people; that’ll help ease your anxiety on the big day.

Don’t work blue

Keep it clean. “Most times it’s a very mixed crowd, so it’s best to go with a no-cursing policy,” Leifer says. There could be some exceptions, depending on the event. “If the whole party is frat brothers, go for broke.” The bottom line: “Read the room.”

Don’t overdo it with alcohol

“People are nervous when they do a speech, so they have a drink and then they feel good — and then they have seven more,” she says. “That’s a mistake.”

Do set the tone

the cover of the book how to write a funny speech

"How to Write a Funny Speech," by Emmy-winning comedy writers Carol Leifer and Rick Mitchell, with a foreword by Carol Burnett.

Chronicle Books

“Richard Belzer, the great comedian, once told me about stand-up comedy, ‘You’re like the pilot up there. If you start to panic, they start to panic. So just act like everything is A-OK.’” Leifer says the same applies to speeches. If you’re bombing or it’s a dud audience, just continue to act like it’s smooth sailing. “Nine times out of 10, they’ll think everything is OK, too.”

Do leave them wanting more

Remember that shorter is better. “Keep it five minutes or under,” Leifer advises, noting that going on too long is one of the most common blunders. “People go on and on, and you [in the audience] want to die. You’re just sitting there like, ‘Wrap it up!’

Do be in the moment

“A lot of people are afraid to stray from what they’ve come up with, but it’s not good to just keep your head down and stick to the script,” Leifer says. Did a waiter just drop a drink tray? Comment on it. Did you flub a line? Laugh about it. “People respond to that, and they like it because you’re human,” she says. “People are all there because they care about this person. Share the moment.”

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Whitney Matheson, known for creating USA Today’s Pop Candy (1999-2014), is a writer whose work includes children’s books, comics, plays and short fiction, including 2025’s The Feeling.