12 Ways for Family Caregivers to Deal with Their Toughest Days

This is when family caregivers should consider looking back to their own pasts. “You need to rediscover what you used to love — and do it now,” she says.

Maybe you used to love quilting. Perhaps you used to enjoy painting with watercolors. Or maybe you still have the flute, French horn, or violin that you used to play.

“You have to have something left of who you are,” says Baher.

5. Find time to vent

Family caregivers know better than most that problems tend to come in bunches. Perhaps, for example, your loved one soiled the bed and when you tried to move them to change the sheets, you hurt your back. With your back aching, you’re suddenly uncomfortable helping them into their wheelchair and pushing them outside for a walk. So now everyone is unhappy.

“Negative things come in multiples some days,” says Baher.

First, she says, you can only solve one problem at a time. Once you solve one problem, she says, it’s incredible how the others can seem more minor or even start to solve themselves.

Even then, it’s important to vent your frustration privately. Baher knows of one family caregiver whose favorite way to vent is to step into her car, close the door, bang on the steering wheel and shout. No one hears her, but it helps her feel better.

6. Know your loved one’s wishes for your peace of mind

Perhaps nowhere is it more difficult to be a family caregiver than in the hospital emergency room. The toughest days for many caregivers involve moments when they are suddenly faced with making life-or-death decisions for their loved one without knowing their true wishes.

Whenever possible, it’s always best to find out (and write down) your loved one’s wishes about medical treatment before an emergency happens, says Lynn McNicoll, director of education for the Division of Geriatrics and associate professor of medicine at Alpert Medical School of Brown University.

If you are unaware of what your loved one wants, “the stress can be exponential, she says. “Second-guessing can be difficult.”

McNicoll says the best place to have this conversation is with their primary care doctor so that everything can be documented and the caregiver can have peace of mind.

7. Gravitate toward positive people

Particularly difficult days can also be influenced by the company you keep.

McNicoll says that as a family caregiver, you want to surround yourself with people who provide support. It’s difficult to comfort your loved one if you are not receiving a similar sense of comfort from compassionate family, friends, or professionals.

 “If you are having a particularly difficult day, try not to interact with those who are negative,” she says. “Stay focused on what’s positive.’

8. Unburden by journaling

On those really rough days, writing down your feelings can bring an unexpected sense of comfort, says Judith Henry, a caregiving expert and author of Dutiful Daughter’s Guide to Caregiving.

It doesn’t matter if you use a pencil, pen, typewriter, or laptop. Heck, you can even write or record your feelings on your cellphone. “Writing allows you to express your emotions on paper rather than at people,” says Henry. 

Journaling can also help loving caregivers clarify their own feelings and determine the next steps in care.

For Henry, who provided care for both parents, journaling also helped her deal with harder feelings like anger and resentment. “This is about getting the jumble of thoughts in your head out of your head.”

9. Create a list of accomplishments

The frustration of being a family caregiver can multiply when your to-do list gets too long. Henry says adding more items to this list for your loved one will likely make you feel even worse and unaccomplished.

So, try this instead: Create a list of your caregiving accomplishments, suggests Henry. This list should mention all of the things you’ve managed to juggle as a caregiver for your spouse or parent, even small things like grocery shopping or getting to a doctor’s appointment.

If you’ve done the list accurately, the sheer number of impressive accomplishments on it might blow you away.

“When you see this list, you will be amazed at what you are achieving under difficult circumstances,” says Henry.

10. Stop chasing perfection

Too often, caregivers are at their wits’ end because they feel it is somehow their duty to respond perfectly to the needs of their loved ones.

“Ban the word ‘perfect’ from your vocabulary,” says Henry. Not only is it unachievable, but constantly striving for it can make caregivers sick.

“You will be constantly dealing with flawed institutions, flawed practices, flawed people, and situations where there is no easy answer,” says Henry. “So, perfection is an unreasonable expectation for yourself and for your loved one.”

She suggests substituting the word “acceptable” for “perfect.”  Sometimes, she says, “Acceptable is as good as it gets.”

11. Schedule specific times for self-care

The most challenging days may feel a lot less rough if you have pre-scheduled time for self-care that day and every day, says Gallagher-Thompson. The minimum, she says, is at least four times every day. 

“It’s a buffer against the ups and downs of caregiving,” she says.

Gallagher-Thompson says the key is to spread short self-care breaks throughout the day. It’s also important to mix them up a bit instead of always doing the same thing during your breaks. This can be a walk to the neighborhood store instead of a drive, or it can be 10 to 15 minutes in a quiet place reading a chapter in a book.

Early morning self-care often works best for many caregivers because it might afford them a bit more time to feel more in control of their lives, says Baher. She calls these self-care breaks “minute mood hacks.”

She suggests setting a clock or kitchen timer for 10 or 15 minutes so you don’t have to keep track of time while taking your break. “This allows your brain to run free,” she says.

12. Reject codependency

Sometimes, we set ourselves up for our toughest days by allowing codependency to rule. This can occur when the person we care for tells us we are the only ones who can properly care for them, says Henry. We take these words to heart and believe them to be true.

“I wanted to be the good daughter who knew what to do in every situation,” she says. “You come to feel as if you are the one only who can make everything OK.”  But of course, that’s not true, she notes.

Yes, you can feel proud that your loved one might feel that you are the only person who can help them through everything, says Henry. But it’s important that you know, in your heart, there are times you simply can’t make things right or can’t be there to help them. Accept that some things are out of your control, and you will probably have fewer “toughest days.”