8 Habits to Tame Caregiving Perfectionism

Discover ways to replace perfection with purpose

Paul Wynn,

AARP

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Published July 22, 2025

Jeanette Yates, author of "From Guilt to Good Enough," shares her journey as a recovering perfectionist caregiver.

Josh Letchworth

For most of her life, Jeanette Yates, 50, believed that being a good daughter and later, a good caregiver, meant being perfect. As a little girl, she learned early that upsetting her chronically ill mother might make her condition worse. Her mom, Mary Jane Blanchard, had a chronic autoimmune disorder called myasthenia gravis, which disrupts communication between nerves and muscles, causing weakness in muscles that control voluntary movement.

In an effort to minimize stress and safeguard her mother’s well-being, Yates worked hard to be the perfect daughter by earning good grades, staying out of trouble and helping out around the house. “People would say, ‘Don’t upset Mommy, you want her to stay well, right?’” she recalls. That sense of responsibility hardened into perfectionism, and when Yates became her mom’s primary caregiver in adulthood, she didn’t just take on the job; it became her identity despite being a wife and mother to two kids. For years, she managed appointments, emergencies and setbacks, rarely asking for help, seldom acknowledging the toll she was paying.

“I truly believed that if I wasn’t doing it all myself, I wasn’t a good caregiver,” says Yates. “I thrived on being told I was a great caregiver. There was no in-between. I was either perfect or I was failing her.”

Despite her diligent efforts, her mother’s health declined. As Yates began to struggle with her own health, developing eating issues and strained relationships, a painful truth emerged: No matter how hard you try, your loved one will still eventually die. Her mom passed away from complications of her illness in June 2025. Yates reflected on her lifetime of caregiving in her memoir, From Guilt to Good Enough, which offers hard-earned wisdom for caregivers struggling to measure up to a role that often demands everything.

Through therapy, Yates realized her self-worth had become wrapped up in her identity as a perfect caregiver. “I slowly began to reframe what happiness would look like because I could not make everything perfect.”

Jeanette Yates viewing a portrait of her mother

Yates viewing a portrait of her mother who lived with a chronic, autoimmune disorder.

Josh Letchworth

Myth of perfection

The drive for perfection in caregiving often comes from a broader, deeply ingrained mindset, not just specific to caregiving, but rooted in how people approach many roles in their lives, says psychologist Merle Griff, author of Solace in the Storm.

“There are just people who are always very critical of themselves and are always driving for perfection, no matter what they do, whether it’s their job, being a parent, a friend or a caregiver.”

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The famous quote by artist Salvador Dalí, “Have no fear of perfection, you’ll never reach it,” was thought to free artists from the pressure of flawlessness. However, his words resonate just as deeply with caregiving, where striving for perfection can often get in the way of compassion and presence.

“Rather than trying to do everything perfectly, caregivers need to assess what the care recipient really needs and how to meet those needs,” adds Griff, CEO and founder of SarahCare Adult Day Care Centers in Canton, Ohio. “Let’s focus on what really needs to be done and figure out how to do that with support.”

Perfection in anything is a myth, and caregiving is no exception. Starting a caregiving role is like starting a new job without much training. Caregivers are often “learning on the job,” which naturally makes perfection an unrealistic and impossible goal, says Elizabeth Miller, a certified caregiving consultant and founder of the Happy, Healthy Caregiver blog and podcast.Miller reveals that her own pursuit of “perfect” caregiving for her mother was partly driven by guilt. Her mom, who lived with COPD and had limited mobility, left her dream home in Florida after her husband passed away. Miller felt a strong need to make her transition as seamless and happy as possible when she moved her mom closer to her in Georgia.

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“Striving for perfect caregiving is a myth and a dangerous one,” says Miller. “We’re learning on the job and the pressure to get it all right just leads to burnout. Sustainable caregiving means giving yourself grace, setting boundaries and showing up consistently — not perfectly.”

For Peter Rosenberger, perfection is not the goal. He has been a caregiver to his wife, Gracie, for nearly 40 years through extreme medical challenges, including amputations, chronic pain and 98 surgeries. Even with complex tasks like changing surgical dressings or fitting prosthetics, Rosenberger is careful and thorough, but not because he’s trying to be perfect. His motto: “Healthy caregivers make better caregivers.” This reflects his belief that the caregiver’s well-being is central to good care. For Rosenberger, success isn’t about doing everything perfectly; it’s about staying flexible, focused and present in the work that truly matters.

8 habits to replace perfection with purpose

Caregiving experts say that embracing a mindset that eases the pressure to be perfect will help find peace in being “good enough.” Here are eight essential ways to support you on that path.

1. Focus on what went well

When feelings of failure creep in, shift your focus to what did go right. Even small wins like keeping your loved one at home longer, advocating for better care or insurance coverage or simply showing up day after day deserve recognition. Writing down the small wins can help reframe your experience, adds Griff.“People can list their mistakes easily. But when I ask, ‘What went well?’ there’s always hesitation,” explains Griff. “You have to train yourself to remember the positive.”

2. Recognize codependency and its impact

Relationships with care recipients can become emotionally codependent. From an early age, Yates was conditioned to believe that her mom’s well-being depended on her behavior. As she grew older, this dynamic intensified into a pattern of codependency where Yates felt responsible not just for her mother’s care, but for her mother’s happiness and health. Yates broke the cycle of codependency with her mother through a deliberate, emotionally difficult process based on therapy, self-awareness and painful but necessary choices. “There were no boundaries. I confused love with total dedication and loyalty. Therapy helped me see the difference,” says Yates.

3. Practice self-forgiveness

Caregivers often judge themselves harshly, especially after their loved one passes or transitions to a long-term care facility. Griff emphasizes the importance of forgiving yourself after the fact by remembering what you were truly facing at the time: exhaustion, stress and limited options. Perfection wasn’t possible and that’s okay. “You forget how exhausted you were and why you made the decisions you did,” says Griff. “You weren’t in the place you are now.”

Josh Letchworth

4. Spend quality time, not just doing caregiving tasks

Miller recommends preserving your role as a family member, not just as a task-oriented caregiver. When caring for her mom, Miller quickly found herself consumed by to-do lists: checking medical equipment, managing supplies, running errands or handling appointments. Over time, she realized that if she focused solely on these responsibilities, she would risk losing the emotional connection that had always defined their relationship. To protect that bond, Miller created intentional space for meaningful moments. She scheduled regular visits that included not just caregiving tasks, but something fun or personal like playing cards, coloring or watching a favorite show together.

5. Set realistic expectations

Perfectionism sets impossible standards. Instead, Griff advises caregivers to stay grounded in what’s realistically achievable. Focus on meeting your loved one’s actual needs, not on doing everything yourself or living up to idealized caregiving myths. “What does your loved one really need? And how can those needs be met, not necessarily by you alone?”

6. Seek therapy

Despite practicing many common self-care techniques, including yoga, journaling and prayer, Yates found these were not enough to address her profound exhaustion and stress. She sought therapy initially, hoping to learn better stress management to continue caregiving, but therapy revealed deeper emotional issues tied to her childhood trauma and unhealthy boundaries with her mother. Therapy helped her recognize and accept limits and being a good caregiver does not mean doing everything alone or saying yes to every demand, says Yates.

7. Ask for help and information early

Many caregivers feel like they failed simply because they weren’t adequately prepared. Griff stresses the importance of asking the right questions before taking on medical tasks at home — whether it’s managing a feeding tube or performing physical therapy. “Don’t assume you’re supposed to know everything. Ask every question. Use your phone to record demos because most caregivers are not trained nurses.”

8. Define boundaries

Early on, Miller felt constantly “on call” until she realized it wasn’t sustainable. She began setting clear boundaries, discerning emergencies from nonurgent needs and scheduling regular visits with her mom. What changed things for Miller was a moment of clarity after attending a support group. She realized she couldn’t do it all and shouldn’t be expected to. That’s when she began setting realistic limits and creating structure around her time. For example, she dedicated Wednesday evenings as “Mom Night,” a dedicated time when she could show up fully for her mom. “Boundaries didn’t mean I loved her less; it just meant that I was finally showing up in a way that we could both live with.”

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Paul Wynn, a veteran health care writer, has spent over a decade immersed in the caregiving community, both as a family caregiver and as a journalist covering caregiving issues for national publications.