How to Plan a Meaningful Memorial Service

Pick a date

“Preplanning can happen when the family feels they have gotten through the first wave of grief,” says Rabbi Melinda Bracha Bernstein, a freelance rabbi in Tamarac, Florida, who leads lifecycle ceremonies for all faiths. “Sooner is better,” she says. “If people don’t have that sense of completion, they are walking around with this heaviness.” For timing, consider when it is practical for the most guests to attend, such as on a holiday weekend, and how far people have to travel.

Don’t go it alone

Pick a close friend or family member as the point person for the event, and allow them to delegate tasks such as selecting and renting a venue, planning the program, sending out invitations and arranging for food and drink if desired.

Many of us have someone in our circle who is good at taking charge. If not, consider engaging a funeral celebrant, which is a professional who helps design a customized service that reflects the deceased’s personality, values, culture and wishes. Resources to find one near you include Funeralwise and the Celebrant Foundation & Institute.

Include elements of faith

If the deceased was religious, a priest, minister, rabbi or imam can lead the ceremony or help weave in elements of their faith. “The person in charge of the service can either lean on a funeral director for guidance or just call the local church, synagogue or house of worship the individual belonged to, and the leader of that community is usually willing to help,” says Mariani.

Select the right location

The venue can be anywhere from your local VFW Post or a favorite restaurant to a golf course or park. Some people prefer the intimacy of a service at home, while others opt for services at a church or synagogue.

Personalize the service

There are no fixed rules for the program. “My only rule is to make it a reflection of the person you are honoring,” says Anne Murphy, a lifecycle celebrant in Saint Paul, Minnesota. “You should have a really good idea of how they lived and how they impacted our lives by the end of the service. If you don’t, it can feel really empty.”

Gather memories, stories and mementos such as photos and letters from family members and friends. Murphy suggests using a shared online document that all involved in the service can see and comment on beforehand so that everyone is comfortable about what is to be shared.

Jeff Baron, a playwright and children’s book author, has led numerous services for friends and family in the past 20 years. “I think about it the way I think of putting on any show. I make it meaningful and engaging for the intended audience and for the deceased,” he says. His tips include having a rehearsal for speakers, as well as offering to read remembrances for those who are uncomfortable speaking in public or who cannot attend.

Share an item of remembrance

Some services provide attendees with a takeaway, such as a card with the deceased’s favorite poem and the event’s program. Bernstein always brings stones. “I have people hold them and connect to the individual through them, and then put it in their pocket and take it home or put it in their garden,” she says.

In all, a celebration of life should “uplift the memories of the deceased and elevate the hearts of the survivors,” she says.

This article was originally published May 11, 2020. It has been updated with more recent data on cremation and burial rates.