9 Ways to Revive a Sexless Marriage

Even if your relationship is great, the passion might be lacking. Here's how to get it back

Nicole Pajer,

AARP

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Published February 25, 2025

a couple sleeping in bed with their backs toward each other

Alicia Rihko

When was the last time you had sex?

As we get older, it's not uncommon to have periods when sex just isn’t a priority in a relationship. Keeping up at work, caring for kids, aging parents and pets, dealing with home repairs and navigating health issues are just some of the many reasons why getting frisky may get put on the back burner.

“You get focused on the busyness of life, you fall into a rut, you’re tired,” says Goody Howard, who studies sex and has a master’s in public health and social work. “You think, ‘We live together. You’re always going to be here, so we can have sex some other night.’”

At first, it might be a week of not having sex, and then you realize it’s been a year or more. But even relationships that have undergone a long sex drought can be saved. Here are nine tips on how to get the groove back in your sex life.

Talk about it

Focus on having an honest conversation with your partner about your sex life without placing blame. “It’s important to share how you both feel without pointing fingers,” says Michelle Herzog, a sex therapist, licensed marriage and family therapist and owner of The Center for Modern Relationships.

“It could just be something along the lines of ‘I really miss you. I really miss that intimacy. I miss our closeness.’ It doesn't have to be, 'Why don't we have sex anymore?’” Howard says. Still not sure where to start? Howard says to go for the most obvious and ask, “Why don’t we have sex anymore?”

Howard also suggests picking the right time to start the conversation. “Do something like scheduling a nice dinner, taking a class together, doing something that you maybe haven’t done in a while,” she says. Then you can segue into something along the lines of, “I really missed this. You know something else I really miss about us? I miss having sex with you, too. I really want to feel close to you.”

Start small

Begin with little, intimate gestures, like sending each other some flirty texts or snuggling up next to each other the next time you watch a movie and build up from there. “Take it slow, focus on sensual connection, get used to touch, don’t skip the pleasure-building activities that help you get to know each other’s bodies again,” says Carol Queen, a sexologist and author of The Sex & Pleasure Book: Good Vibrations Guide to Great Sex for Everyone.

She stresses that you don’t have to make intercourse the goal right away. Instead, she says, “make connecting the goal and keep communicating.”

And don’t expect to go from no sex to sex every night, Howard says. Let it progress to once a week or every two weeks, and work your way up from there.

Bring back the fun

All the responsibility that life brings our way can make us stuck in a rut of being solely focused on crossing things off our to-do list. But taking time to reconnect with your partner outside of the day-to-day can help to revive the connection. “Think about the things that you used to do when you had the most fun in your relationship and do those things,” Howard says. Take a bubble bath together, go out for dessert or have a spontaneous pillow fight.

Don’t wait for the perfect time

Remember when you had time and energy to really set the mood for sex — when you were relaxed on the romantic vacation or following the home-cooked, four-course meal. But life happens, and the romantic vacations are few and far between. Responsibilities mean you are more likely to throw a frozen lasagna in the oven rather than cook a romantic meal.

Romanticizing your old sex life puts too much pressure on the sex itself, Howard says. Her best advice is to not hold out for the perfect scenario of years past. Nowadays, she says to embrace even the everyday as possibly great times for sex. “It could be a Netflix and chill night. It could be an ice cream date. It could be after going for a walk,” she says.

Take the pressure off the finale

Issues such as erectile dysfunction, vaginal dryness and other health issues that often come with age can make getting an orgasm more difficult.

And putting pressure on yourself or your partner to get there can make matters worse.

Howard tells her clients to look at sex as a road trip. “If you’re going on a road trip to Orgasm Town, you get in the car, and there are no snacks, no games, no music. You just get in the car and ride and think, ‘Are we there yet? Are we there yet?’ But if you get in the car, and have snacks and games and music, you’re having so much fun on the trip, you’re like, ‘Oh, wow, we’re here already?’” Thus, she says to take the focus off the orgasm and lean into the pleasure that leads toward it because you can have amazing sex without orgasms.

Take the initiative

Women, says Howard, are traditionally less likely to initiate sex but should take the lead from time to time. “I tell my clients, if you’re not initiating at least once a week, you don’t have the right to complain about not having sex. It’s a group effort,” she adds.

And think beyond the bedroom. Looking at a bed that you haven’t been having sex in can put extra stress on the situation, says Howard. So, try kicking things off on the couch, in the kitchen or in the bathroom. You can even experiment with initiating sex at different times of the day.

Put away the toys — for now

Having not had sex in a while, you might think it could be helpful to stock the bedroom with an array of sex toys. But Howard says this can complicate things at the beginning. “The focus should be on reconnecting to each other. Once you establish that reconnection, then you can start to become more adventurous with toys.”

Toys, Howard says, are enhancements, not replacements, and when you bring toys into the bedroom and you haven’t connected to each other, the connection becomes between you and the new pleasure tool.

“There may be a jealousy or a placebo effect, like a false sense of connection,” she says. First, make sure the connection is good. Then you can work to spice things up with some props.

Get professional help

If you’re not able to comfortably discuss your dwindled sex life or haven’t been able to kick things in the bedroom back off again, a therapist is a great next step — bonus points if you find one who focuses on relationships and sex.

“If either partner has a history of trauma or shame or is dealing with issues like depression or a difficult menopause, assistance will be even more useful,” Queen says.

You can also find educational resources, like books and websites about conditions like menopause and sexual dysfunction that may be contributing to a lack of interest and use them to spark conversations with your partner about some things you may be going through.

Recognize that your relationship is probably better than you think

You may feel like not having sex is a sign of a terrible relationship, but that’s not always the case, Howard says.

“With a sexless marriage, what typically happens is the relationship is great and it goes on for so long because they are satisfied in the relationship. They’re just not satisfied with the sex part,” she says. This typically means you’re comfortable with your partner, the relationship is good, and you have that working to your advantage, she adds. “Now you just have to take it up a notch. So, lean into the fact that you really do have a really good relationship and just build on what you already have.”