What Do Women Really Want in the Bedroom?

It’s not always clear how to meet a partner’s physical and emotional needs

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published April 17, 2025

a man holds a book from a bookshelf in the shape of a woman's head

Kiersten Essenpreis

Confession: I loved this week’s question. A man wants guidance on how to best pleasure a woman — sexually, physically and emotionally. My advice? Follow her lead. Our experts lay it out for him.

How can a man become more informed about how to arouse a woman and get a better understanding of her physical and emotional needs and wants? In other words, how can he become the best possible lover?

The headline here? Every woman is different, as our sexuality experts point out. Each one of us has our own happy place. Here’s how to get started.

Become familiar with your partner’s emotional needs. Arousal with women isn’t always like a light switch, the way it can be with men, says certified sex therapist Amanda Pasciucco.

Women experience a buildup of desire in different ways, she says — and it doesn’t always happen in the bedroom. While kissing her and massaging her can be sensual, Pasciucco says not to overlook those things that turn her on emotionally.

Among her suggestions: Flirt with her; court her throughout the day. “Text her, saying something like: ‘I can’t wait to see you later. I can’t stop thinking about you.’” And when she does get home, Pasciucco says to ask about her day, help her debrief, start a shower for her.

“I think a lot of women are aroused emotionally when they feel seen and heard,” she adds. “This isn’t a one-off. It’s an ongoing conversation.”

And here’s a news flash from certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman: “Every day, a woman may be in a different mood, a different place emotionally. What aroused her yesterday may not arouse her today.”

Make her feel safe — and special. Opening up your body to engage with a man sexually can involve a feeling of vulnerability, Kaufman says.

“It’s not uncommon for a man to think with his penis while she’s thinking with her heart,” says Kaufman, adding that women need to feel emotionally connected to have good-quality sex.

Women want to feel loved, appreciated and attractive, she says. “Is he complimenting her? Is he making her feel special?”

If you haven’t already, talk to her about her emotional desires around intimacy. Certified sex therapist Sari Cooper suggests initiating a conversation with prompts like:

What are the moments when you feel closest to me and why?
Do you feel like we get enough time to have meaningful conversations with each other? If not, would you like to set aside time to do that more often?
Are you looking to create more emotional intimacy through our sex life, or is that not an erotic need of yours?

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Tune in to your partner’s body. Every woman’s turn-on is unique, and what stimulated a previous lover may fall flat with your current partner. As Kaufman puts it: “Be curious — and be willing to discard any predetermined ideas of what turns women on.”

Certified sexuality educator Jane Fleishman suggests starting off by asking about her favorite ways to be aroused. “You might be surprised that she has a few different doors to becoming aroused and that they may change over time,” she says.

Play show-and-tell. Cooper, who is also the founder of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, says to ask her to show you how she stimulates herself. “Learn by watching,” she suggests.

You can take it one step further by asking her to use your hand as if it were a toy and to guide it across her pleasure spots.

And listen — really listen. Kaufman says men need to listen closely to what their partners are actually asking for.

“If a woman specifically says ‘I want you to touch me here but not there,’ are you listening? Often, men fail to listen because they have a script or checklist that they operate by,” says Kaufman. “‘If I do X, Y or Z, this will turn her on.’”

Pay attention to her nonverbal cues. When you are touching her, Kaufman says to take notice of her body language. As an example, is she leaning in to you or pulling away?

“If she’s moving towards him, she’s positively responding to his touch. Her breath will quicken; she may start to perspire if she’s aroused,” says Kaufman. “Pay attention to the physical signs.” And if not all physical signs are there, don’t assume she’s not turned on. Kaufman says some women don’t lubricate even if they are aroused, and others may be wet but not turned on. It’s an individual thing.

Do your homework. There are a lot of books, podcasts and other educational resources to help you in your quest. Here are some of our experts’ top picks:

Ian Kerner’s She Comes First, an ode to oral sex, is a perennial favorite. Pasciucco says it’s a good read because it details the difference in the speed of men’s and women’s orgasms. “We have different body parts, and penises and vulvas also work completely differently in terms of arousal and orgasm,” she says. “This underscores that.”
Cooper suggests subscribing to omgyes.com, a sex education website that covers a wide range of ways to stimulate a woman. On the site, she says, regular people explain and demonstrate techniques that can bring pleasure to a woman’s body.
Kaufman is a fan of Emily Nagoski’s Come As You Are, a science- and research-driven book on women and desire — what’s a turn-on, what’s a turn-off. She calls it a great primer on women’s sexuality.

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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