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Is My Husband Micro-cheating?

Flirty texts. Drinks after work. What's cheating and what's not?


spinner image a man is looking at his phone smiling while a woman looks over his shoulder
Kiersten Essenpreis

Have you ever deleted a flirtatious text you didn’t want your partner to see or secretly hung out with an ex? Micro-cheating, as the Urban Dictionary parses it, consists of “small acts” considered disloyal within a relationship — nothing too serious, but not innocent either.

Is it ever OK? Our experts weigh in on this tricky topic — starting with the term itself.

I saw my husband’s phone light up with a somewhat flirty text from a colleague that he has an occasional after-work drink with. We have a solid relationship, but I feel like an emotional boundary has been crossed. I told a friend about it and she called it micro-cheating. Should I be worried?

Micro-cheating is a new term for age-old behavior, says sexuality educator Susan Milstein — and she doesn’t love it. “It gives people too much latitude,” she says. “It’s a way of saying ‘I did something wrong but not completely wrong.’”

And yes, when micro-cheating happens, there is cause for concern, says Milstein, who is co-host of podcast Unzipping Taboos: Candid Conversations About Sex. But before you jump to conclusions, she urges you to get the backstory first.

spinner image In the Mood columnist

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

“If it’s a flirty text and you don’t have context, it can feel like a violation - especially if it’s a third person who is not a trusted friend," says Milstein. But it might not be anything at all, she adds. 

Have a conversation. Milstein suggests talking to your husband and telling him how you feel. Maybe start with, “I don’t understand it. Just give me some background, give me some context,” she says.

You can also ask your husband to conduct a self-inventory, says certified sexuality educator and sex therapist Tameca N. Harris-Jackson. Start a conversation about what the colleague means to him, Harris-Jackson says. “If your husband feels: ‘This is just my work wife’ — talk openly about what that relationship is.”

It also opens up a space for him to bring up feelings about your relationship, adds Harris-Jackson. “It’s a chance for him to say: ‘I don’t feel like we’re connecting as much as we used to.’”

Set clear relationship boundaries. Most couples don’t talk about what counts as cheating until something happens, according to Milstein. 

She says to consider this an opportunity to have that discussion, starting with what constitutes physical cheating. You can ask each other questions like:  If you touch another person, is that OK? And what kind of touching? Hugging? Kissing? 

Then focus on what emotional cheating means to each other. Being unfaithful isn’t dependent on the act of sex, says Harris-Jackson. “It means someone has breached an agreement of how we plan to show up for one another,” she says.

Examples of emotional cheating, according to certified sex therapist Sandi Kaufman, include: ongoing contact with a person you’ve developed feelings for; flirty or overt sexual exchanges that may not include physical touch; connecting with former partners on social media and discussing vulnerabilities.

If you need help establishing clear boundaries, physical or emotional, Harris-Jackson recommends consulting a relationship therapist to walk you through it.

When boundaries are crossed.  If you both agree that he went too far with his work colleague or if you feel that he has (even if he doesn’t agree), Kaufman recommends asking these questions: 

  • Is the work relationship exciting to you?
  • Is it a symptom of something that’s not working in our relationship?
  • Do we need to reevaluate our monogamous agreement?

“Hopefully, he can be truly honest with you,” she says — adding that he could be feeling guilt and shame if he is involved with his co-worker. In that case, Kaufman recommends that you enter couples therapy and that your husband consider individual counseling to help him sort through his feelings.

“Nothing about this is black and white,” she says. “Stay open and curious so that you are able to explore the significance of what’s happening.”

If, after counseling, you don’t see a way to repair the rupture, Kaufman suggests seeing a therapist who specializes in betrayal. “You may feel that this is the last straw and you decide to separate,” she says.

Kaufman’s advice for next steps:

  • Seek support from friends who have successfully navigated separation and divorce.
  • Join a support group for people who have been betrayed and are separated or divorced.
  • Contact a divorce attorney or mediator to get professional advice about separating, financial concerns, and any other issues that you need to navigate.   

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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