In The Mood: What’s a Normal Amount of Sex? And Help, My Libido Is Kaput!

Do you remember Everything You Always Wanted to Know About Sex* (*But Were Afraid to Ask), the sex manual first published in 1969?

As a teenager, I recall taking multiple sneak peeks at my mother’s copy. Although some of the content is now wildly out of date, the title of the book, decades on, remains relevant and relatable.

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

Here’s why: As many older adults know, sexual pleasure is something that can be enjoyed lifelong but often comes with strings attached — diminished libido, unreliable erections and vaginal dryness, to name a few.

These are problems that can be solved, but many people are too embarrassed to talk about sex with their health care professionals. 

So we’ve done it for you. Each week, sexual health and relationship experts will weigh in on the top questions they hear from adults 50 and older. If you have a question you’d like answered, email us at sexafter50@aarp.org — we will not publish your name or contact information.

Here’s the down and dirty on sexual health, communication and solutions for older adults.  

What’s the “normal” amount of sex to have past the age of 50, 60, 70, 80?

Sorry to disappoint but there is no “normal,” says Jeffrey Kwong, a Rutgers professor whose work has focused on sexual health for aging adults. “This isn’t a competition. My normal may be different from your normal. It’s really what feels right for you.”

A good first step: Define what sex means to you, says Susan Milstein, a certified sexologist through the American Board of Sexology.

“When I say sex and you say sex, we may be thinking of two very different things. Oral, anal, mutual masturbation. We don’t always define it well,” Milstein says.

And don’t discount solo sex. Fantasizing, masturbating, toys and erotica can all contribute to an active and satisfying sex life, she adds.

It’s also good to do a self-reflection and determine if you’re feeling sexually satisfied — whether you are having partnered or solo sex, Kwong says.

And think of sexual desire as dynamic, not static, he says. How we feel sexually can change day to day, even hour to hour.