Where Did My Libido Go?

It’s more difficult to get in the mood when you’re older

Ellen Uzelac,

AARP

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Published September 04, 2025

This week’s question involves a 60-something woman, her lack of libido and how she might recharge it.

There’s no short list of reasons why our writer’s sexual desire may have diminished — but after talking to four medical and sexuality experts, I’m happy to report there is a long list of potential fixes.

Here’s what they recommend.

I’m a female in my 60s and desperately want to amp up my flagging libido. Any suggestions?

Why does someone’s sexual desire drop? Well, for starters, says sexuality educator Gretchen Frey, a retired ob-gyn, it could be anything from boring sex to dissatisfaction with a partner to distraction by life issues, to fatigue or illness, or to what Frey calls “simple biology” associated with perimenopause and menopause.

It's important to identify what your reason is, says Frey, because each trigger will have a different solution.

Spontaneous desire versus responsive desire. Frey says it’s crucial to understand that in older women, spontaneous sexual desire is rare; responsive sexual desire is the norm.

What exactly does that mean? Due to hormonal changes, many older women don’t get aroused in the moment the way they once used to. It takes a little more work.

As Rochester Regional Health ob-gyn Maureen Slattery explains it, “It can be pulled out of you by touching yourself or touching with a partner,” adding that we can't expect to “heat up like a bolt of lightning” anymore.

Frey’s advice? Deliberately focus on seeking out arousal by making plans for an intimate encounter, reading or viewing erotic material, fantasizing, engaging in foreplay or masturbating.

“For most, [the] desire to continue with a sexual encounter, solo or partnered, will arise,” she says. “And with each experience of enjoyable sex, this cycle becomes easier to repeat.”

Reframe what “having sex” means. Slattery says patients will tell her, “I have no interest in sex,” or “I have no desire for sex.”

Her response: Instead of just thinking of it as sexual intercourse, “think of it as the pleasure and intimacy you experience with sex. Everyone will have a desire for that.” She adds, “I talk about this with patients multiple times a day, every day.”

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Be patient. Retired ob-gyn Marilyn Jerome, whose practice focused on menopausal women, says to concentrate on the fact that sex play isn’t “a five-minute thing.”

As she puts it: “As we get older, it’s going to take more time and effort to become aroused. We have to be more patient with both partners.”

One other piece of advice: “Your state of mind is important,” says Jerome. “You can’t take your problems to bed with you. Clear your head. Focus on the task at hand.”

Consult a professional. A doctor can help you figure out what, if anything, in your body may be contributing to a lower libido.

Kathryn Dumas, an ob-gyn at George Washington University Hospital in Washington, D.C., says hormonal changes can affect sex drive. In some cases, systemic hormone replacement therapy can help. Something as simple as vaginal estrogen can also boost libido, she notes.

Slattery says testosterone levels can decline in older women, so she sometimes recommends low-dose testosterone as a libido lifter.

Dumas also says there are non-hormonal meds — some FDA-approved, some off-label — that could also be a fix, and suggests consulting your gynecologist to discuss those options.

Other important factors Dumas says you should consider:

Are you experiencing pain or discomfort during sex?
Are you taking any medication that tamps down libido, like certain blood pressure or psychiatric meds, or ones that accompany cancer treatment?
Do you have a chronic illness?
Do you have a partner affected by sexual dysfunction?

Depending on what the issue is, Dumas recommends working with a sex therapist or a sexual medicine specialist.

Beware of quick fixes. Frey says there’s a big, profitable market offering solutions for women’s low libidos. “Have a healthy skepticism” of products that promise an increase in “satisfying sexual encounters,” she cautions. “Don’t expect miracles. Your brain is your best tool to revive your libido.”

Do you have questions about sex or relationships as a 50-plus adult? Send them to sexafter50@aarp.org.

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