It’s Great to Be in a Long-Term Relationship ... Until You’re Not

How do you get over an ex? I wish I’d had our experts’ insights in my head when I foolishly called a former boyfriend in the middle of the night, hung up without uttering a word, and felt completely humiliated the next day.

Here’s their sage advice.

My boyfriend and I, both in our 50s, broke up recently after four years together. It was mutual and the right thing to do. But I miss being part of a couple. Sometimes I want to reach out, and I know I shouldn’t. How do I get over my ex?

The first question you should ask yourself: Do I miss him, or do I miss being in a relationship? As psychologist Rachel Needle notes, missing being part of a couple is “deeply human.” Sometimes, she says, it’s not your ex you miss; it’s the comfort, companionship and identity that comes with being in a relationship.

In the Mood

For AARP’s In the Mood column, writer Ellen Uzelac will ask experts your most pressing 50+ sex and relationship questions. Uzelac is the former West Coast bureau chief for The Baltimore Sun. She writes frequently on sex, relationships, travel and lifestyle issues.

Do you have a question? Email us at sexafter50@aarp.org

Reframe what it is you miss. Part of the pain of a breakup is the loss of the future you thought you were going to share, says certified mediator and relationship coach Stella Harris.

Harris says to ask yourself: What exactly do I miss — vacations together, the idea of growing old together? What were my goals and dreams with him? Are those my goals and dreams without him?

“That reframing can help remind you what the thing is that you do want,” she explains.

Before reaching out to your ex, Needle says to pause and consider: Am I missing him, or am I missing the feeling of not being alone? Do I miss the comfort of being in a relationship?  

“That can be a helpful gut check, and that clarity can help you resist the urge to reopen a chapter that’s already been thoughtfully closed,” says Needle, codirector of the Modern Sex Therapy Institutes, a company that provides continuing education to couples and sex therapists around the world.

Grieve your loss. Allow yourself to experience the sadness and the longing, says certified sex therapist Nan Wise.

“Be with that. Welcome that,” she says. “You don’t want to go back to something that didn’t work just because you are feeling longing or loneliness or grief.”

Wise says it’s important to recognize that the pain of loss is part of love, part of life.

Even when a breakup is mutual and necessary, it doesn’t mean it’s painless, says Needle: “You shared routines, intimacy, maybe even a vision for the future. That kind of connection just doesn’t disappear overnight.” This was a meaningful relationship. “Feel the feels,” she says.

Delete your ex’s contact info. Harris suggests that you delete his contact information from your phone, block his number and refrain from following him on social media.