What My Spouse Does That Really Worries Me

“You can’t eat like a teenager anymore.”

“Even a train stops,” his grandmother used to tell him when he sliced a third helping of cake.

He and I used to feel invincible. We’d go out for romantic weekend brunches, and I didn’t care that he drowned his pancakes in maple syrup. We’d go to our favorite local coffee bar, where the owner’s wife served pound cakes right out of the oven.

Now, he thinks he deserves a medal for eating oatmeal for breakfast, but I keep reminding him he needs to pair carbs with proteins like nuts, cheese or yogurt to avoid insulin spikes.

When it comes to his health, he just doesn’t always listen. But in every other way, he’s such a kind, nurturing spouse.

A friend who’s managing her high blood sugar with a vegan diet mixes him a smoothie with tahini, dates and almond milk. He buys ingredients to make it at home, dusting off our unused blender. She recommends Amla Green tea, whose antioxidants are said to lower blood sugar while promoting a healthy heart and lowered cholesterol.

The tea remains unopened in our pantry. He lost interest in the smoothies after a month.

“Maybe he needs to get scared enough before he’ll stick with it,” our friend tells me.

He has such drive in other ways: perfecting his work as a full-time photographer in retirement, for example. But every time I bring up this sore subject, he says, “When I’m ready.” I don’t want to argue anymore, yet I worry when he lacks self-control or common sense.

Barbara Greenberg, a clinical psychologist and an advice columnist for Psychology Today, sees many women in her office frustrated by husbands who refuse to get medical attention and bristle at the idea of starting or resuming an exercise routine. Her theory is that these men would rather live in a state of ignorance and denial — even when it’s scary and infuriating to their partners.

Greenberg suggests letting your spouse know that everyone in the family cares and wants him to be healthy. Don’t nag — even if his behavior makes you feel like nagging.

Sheri Stritof, cowriter of The Everything Great Marriage Book, encourages women to be honest and kind without hurting their partner. Don’t monopolize conversations. He may not listen if you’re dismissive of his views and feelings.

“Come up with ground rules that you both can live with: taking turns speaking, not interrupting, setting a timer for each speaker, never using hurtful words,” Stritof advised in her columns for Verywell Mind.

The worst moments to initiate discussions are if he’s tired, stressed out or busy. Let him pick the time. Don’t allow past resentments to break through. Stick to the topic in a nonthreatening, supportive way.

“You cannot make him start taking his own health seriously,” writes Michelle Herman, advice columnist for Slate. It’s his decision to take care of himself. “As much as we try, we can’t make others change.” But you can support his efforts to change, even if they’re slow and small. Express sympathy, because change is hard.

I’m not my husband’s mother, nor do I want to be or sound like her, so I’ve started a new approach. Rather than criticizing, I celebrate his successes. I plan healthy dinners that taste good, engaging him to cook with me while I casually mention why quinoa is healthier than white rice. Although he’s dubious at first, he remarks that it tastes good.

One day, he decides to come to the pool with me. I show him water exercises to increase his heart rate.

“I mark on my calendar when I’ll go to the gym,” I mention to him. “It’s hard to commit to routine exercise.”

He nods, admitting, “It did feel good.”

Back home, I set out fresh fruit and yogurt. I tell him I love him and want to grow old with him. And when he comes home with one of those muffins, I remark, “You deserve an occasional treat,” and refrain from saying, “Even a train stops.”

AARP essays share a point of view in the author’s voice, drawn from expertise or experience, and do not necessarily reflect the views of AARP.