Together Forever? These 5 Books Can Help You Bring Heat Back to Your Sex Life

Recommended by: Sari Cooper, a certified sex therapist, licensed social worker and director of the Center for Love and Sex in New York City, who calls it “an incredible educational book dispelling myths around what prevents women from sustained sexual pleasure.” She adds that it’s “like a master class in human sexuality and provides a new vocabulary with which partners can begin discussing their own gas and brake pedals in a more neutral manner.”​

Also consider: The classic She Comes First: The Thinking Man’s Guide to Pleasuring a Woman by Ian Kerner, a men's guide to oral sex, and Nagoski’s newer (2024) book Come Together: The Science (and Art!) of Creating Lasting Sexual Connections, where she tackles the obstacles that prevent long-time couples from having satisfying sex lives.​

The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work: A Practical Guide from the Country’s Foremost Relationship Expert by John M. Gottman and Nan Silver​

Based on decades of research, Silver and the influential Gottman, who, with his wife, Julie Schwartz Gottman, runs the Gottman Institute for relationship research in Seattle, Washington, offer actionable principles that strengthen communication, resolve conflict, and foster intimacy by improving the foundation of trust and mutual respect. With chapters like “Turn Toward Each Other Instead of Away” and “Overcome Gridlock, and Create Shared Meaning,” the book aims, the authors write, “to uncover the truth about marriage — to finally answer the questions that have puzzled people so long: Why is marriage so tough at times? Why do some lifelong relationships click while others just tick away like a time bomb? And how can you prevent a marriage from going bad — or rescue one that is already in trouble?”​

Recommended by: John Reed, a marriage and family therapist in Louisville, Kentucky, who says, “When we have conflict, we want to do what Gottman calls soft startup. Any two adults living together are going to have complaints. It’s how you lodge the complaint. Soft is always better than harsh.”​

Also consider: Passionate Marriage: Keeping Love and Intimacy Alive in Committed Relationships by David Schnarch, another book favored by Reed. Schnarch “lays out a great strategy for couples on how to unhook from ways that their identities are enmeshed and overlapped so that they can pull back and become a solid, differentiated self,” says Reed. “The longer we’re in a relationship, the more difficult that is, but it takes that to have a passionate marriage.”​

Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love by Sue Johnson​

Johnson helps couples find their way back to intimacy by identifying barriers to open conversation. Rooted in the approach of Emotionally Focused Therapy (EFT), a form of couples therapy that emphasizes the restoration of emotional ties, this 2008 book (a favorite of many therapists) describes how bonding approaches based on early childhood experiences affect adult relationships. Its focus is not about dissecting your formative years’ attachment styles, however, but using self-awareness and communication to build connection. Johnson argues that the resulting feeling of security within the marriage allows each partner to thrive individually. (“The more we can reach out to our partners, the more separate and independent we can be,” she writes.)​

Recommended by: Fariello. “The book provides structured conversations that enable couples to express vulnerability and enhance intimacy, which are key ingredients for keeping the passion alive,” he says.​

Also consider: Sex Talks: The Five Conversations That Will Transform Your Love Life by Vanessa Marin, with Xander Marin. In their 2023 book, the Marins — hosts of the podcast Pillow Talks — walk readers through five conversations that they believe are crucial to a good sex life and a strong emotional connection, starting with the simple “acknowledgment” discussion: that “sex is a thing, and we have it."​

​Good Sex: Stories, Science, and Strategies for Sexual Liberation by Candice Nicole Hargons​

This new book (February 4), billed as “a spicy read everyone can enjoy,” explores blocks to eroticism by taking a close-up look at the vast menu of sexual pleasure and employing an emancipating approach to satisfaction, particularly within marginalized communities. An associate professor at Emory University’s Rollins School of Public Health, Hargons looks at sex through the transformational lens of cultural diversity, including patriarchy, racism, genderism, ageism, misogyny, and all things that affect sexual equality. She writes that improving our own relational mental and physical health contributes to empowering people in the broader sense of the word.​

Recommended by: Nan Wise, a neuroscientist, New Jersey-based sex therapist, and author of 2020's Why Good Sex Matters: Understanding the Neuroscience of Pleasure for a Smarter, Happier, and More Purpose-Filled Life. “It’s a really practical, brilliant book,” says Wise of Hargons' Good Sex.   ​

Also consider: What Happened to My Sex Life?: A Sex Therapist’s Guide to Reclaiming Lost Desire, Connection, and Pleasure by Kate Balestrieri, a new (February 11) book in which the author, a sex therapist and host of the podcast Get Naked with Dr. Kate, identifies the 12 most common reasons sexual desire may wane.​​