Sometimes Caregivers Need Care

“Certainly, in our society, we think  with  grief that it should be a quick  process,  because that’s what society sort of pushes," said Anne Baker, director of adult bereavement services and training at Hospice Caring. "We know there isn’t a  time line . There is nothing as far as closure to grief. It’s just, you learn to honor it and how it takes different forms as you move forward."

Anita Branison holds a photo of her and her late companion, Leon Bobo Jr., while spending time with the Wall of Remembrance.

Jared Soares

Mary-Frances O’Connor, an associate professor of psychology at the University of Arizona, said the process of caring for the caregiver is “an underreported issue” and should actually start before a loved one's death. Some studies even suggest the caregiver should be considered an additional patient. “It's becoming more clear that there are both psychological and medical outcomes that differ for former caregivers who are bereaved,” said O’Connor, whose research area is bereavement.

While resources are available, those specialized for caregivers can be hard to find. A report O’Connor is coauthoring references how a drastic increase in the aging population is an indicator that there will be an increase in family caregivers. She stresses the need for more education on the topic. 

Kathryn Schafer, left, and Bonnie Adams take part in an exercise at the retreat in Potomac, Md., made possible by Hospice Caring. Its vision is for a community that accepts death as a part of life; where the processes of dying and grieving are embraced without stigma; and where no patient dies alone and no one grieves without support.

Jared Soares

So what can you do now if you’re a caregiver who has lost a loved one? Hospice Caring officials said you need to slow down and allow yourself time to focus on yourself, while also thinking about the life you lost. You may be able to find support groups or resources near where you live. You can also complete some of the activities conducted at the retreat:

• Find ways to commemorate your loved one.
• Practice journaling.
• Create a vision board.
• Reflect on what life was like before.

“Sometimes people might have put their own personal interests and hobbies on the back burner for a long time, so you'll want to be in a place where you are really thinking about how you want to move forward in the healthiest  ways,"Stearns  said. "It might be picking up some of those hobbies again. For some people, they might be best by  keep  really busy, feeling that space and time, because they get lonely with too much idle time. For others, it might be that they need to figure out a way to relax, and take some time to themselves, and learn how to be alone. It’s really getting to know oneself again, where the focus is on oneself, rather than on their caregiving role."