How Can I Convince My Father That He Shouldn’t Be Driving?

What to do when it may be time to take away the car keys

Adam Rosenbluth, M.D.,

AARP

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Published August 19, 2024

animated gif of a younger adult driving an older adult

James Yates

I’m scared to drive with my father because there have been so many close calls lately. How do I convince him to give up the car keys?

This is a huge issue for plenty of older people. Driving means independence, and giving it up is a tough milestone. When you discuss the possibility with your dad, he will probably be resistant, maybe even get angry. But no matter how the conversation goes, try not to get confrontational.

You’ll want to be compassionate but also confident about your position. So let’s begin by looking over a checklist of signs that indicate your dad should no longer be driving.

For instance, have you noticed when you’re riding with him that he’s missing full stops or red lights? Does he pull out of the driveway or change lanes without looking? Does driving after dark make him anxious? Overall, do you notice that his driving is causing him more anxiety or exhaustion? Has his reaction time slowed? Or has he been getting lost more often? Has he gotten tickets for speeding or reckless driving? Finally, has he been in an accident recently or have you noticed fresh dents and scrapes on his car?

There’s no definitive time when someone must stop driving. But I can tell you from my experience that most older people who are dealing with health issues usually stop driving too late – after an accident. That is exactly what you want to avoid.

When my patients tell me they’re worried about a parent or partner’s driving, I’m supportive, but I always stress that they need to introduce the subject in a way that doesn’t assign blame. I suggest they say something like, “Dad, what do you think of your driving?”

Your father may answer, “Oh, I think it’s fine.”

Now it’s your turn. “Dad, I don’t. I’ve noticed your reaction time has slowed. Do you have any thoughts about how we can handle this problem? Because I’m really worried that either you or somebody on the road could get hurt.”

If your dad says, “You know what? I understand, and I think you’re right. I’ve noticed it too,” well, that’s good. Problem solved. But more likely you’ll hear, “No, you’re wrong.”

This may be your cue to step back. You can say, “You know what? I don’t want to be the one to get on your case (or I may not be the best judge). Let’s have a family meeting with your doctor.” Or: “Let’s have you tested at a driving school.” The kind of conversation you have depends on the state where your dad lives. Some states have different rules for senior license renewals. For example, in California, drivers 70 and older must renew their license in person and pass a vision and knowledge test. In Illinois, those 79 and older need to take a road test every two years.

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In some states the doctor is required to notify the DMV if a patient has a medical issue that interferes with their driving. It could be hearing or vision impairment, cognitive difficulties, problems with motor skills or a heart condition. In some states, specific laws protect doctors from liability and override medical privacy laws.

This isn’t the case in New York where I practice. But if a patient asks me to help by speaking to their parent or partner, I’m happy to have a family meeting in my office. It’s important to keep in mind that you’re taking away more than just a key. You’ll want to acknowledge the adjustments your dad will need to make as he relinquishes a bit of his independence. He may be using his car to drive to the supermarket, go to medical appointments, meet friends and relatives, or visit the senior center. You certainly don’t want to cut him off from his world.

The good news is that today, especially in cities and suburbs, there are several alternatives to driving your own car. Besides public transportation, some places offer senior rides or Access-A-Ride, and many taxis and private car services are available like Uber or Lyft. Given the rising cost of cars and auto insurance, this may be a more economical alternative as well.

I always tell my patients: “Don’t just hand your parents a problem. Address a problem and hand them a solution.”

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