Stories from Caregivers: Cindy from MASSACHUSETTS
MA
Cindy
FROM MASSACHUSETTS
I am the middle child, I have an older brother and a younger sister. I am the only one who is single, so taking care of mom was something I always knew would be my responsibility. However, I was not her first choice, and this is what led to such a difficult time in caring for her. One sibling tried to hijack all of her funds and when she finally became aware of it, she got depressed and angry. I can't blame her either, what this sibling tried to do was something I never would have expected. Everyone in the family, aunts, uncles, said the same thing. This made dealing with her finances extremely difficult and unfortunately, I was not able to save any of her money for the grandchildren. After this incident I became her caregiver and her POA. I cared for mom for eight years. I worked full time at first and cared for her after work. I moved to part time and that is when things began to get difficult. She expected me to be at her home immediately after work every day plus Saturdays and Sundays - all day. I did her laundry, made all her meals, did her shopping, ran her errands, took her to and from doctor's appointments, retrieved her mail every day, took her out on day trips just to get her out of the house, took care of banking, yard work to some extent, and decorated for all the holidays for her. I did the heavy duty cleaning like carpets, walls, windows etc. After two years of part time work, I was offered a full time position which I took and Mom was not at all happy. We had home health aides that came in every single day to care for her so she was not alone much of the day. Mom lived in a Senior Mobile home park as the result of having to move out of her newly built home which my sibling took possession of and gave her two weeks to find a place to live. This truly was a nightmare of circumstances. After caring for her for five years, Mom got sick with the flu, and it turned to pneumonia. She moved from the hospital to an assisted living facility which was very beautiful. I looked at several places, we went in as guests and ate dinner there to test the food, and everything we looked at we really liked. Mom was just not happy. She did not make the best of it, refused to join in and this became her downfall. After an infestation of the flu at the facility, she once again became very ill and pneumonia set in again. This time, from the hospital, she went directly to a nursing home. This was extremely difficult and very sad for both her and I. She spent three years there, and I will say they did take good care of her but not without incidents. This is one area I strongly suggest the caregiver becomes a watchdog and fights for the person they are caring for. I realize the pay is low for CNA's but not all CNA's are meant to do this type of work. One person I repeatedly complained about and was dismissed over finally got caught abusing a patient and was fired. They changed their tune with me because they knew if I chose to I could file a legitimate complaint and possibly go to court. Once they learned my daughter is a lawyer, they changed the way the dealt with me. You really have to keep both eyes open and do not be afraid to question anything. This is your family member and when I was talked down to I gave it right back. I have a list of things that I constantly complained about and I also let management know who on their staff did outstanding work. One woman, who was my mom's usual CNA, was just amazing. I was in awe of how she cared for every resident in the nursing home. She never played favorites, the ones that could be very mean she never lost her composure with, she was just the best and I always let her know that I spoke up to management about her! Truly a gifted woman and they are far and few between. When Mom passed, then the rumbling began about the "money" and where did it go. I hired an elder care attorney to protect myself in this venture because the transition to the state paying her bills is not easy. He was the best thing I could have done for myself. Although there was no money left over, at least I was protected because they were talking about taking me to court. Hiring the attorney stopped them all cold! The other issue I had to deal with is being completely exhausted. Working 8 years in the equivalent of two full time jobs, I was burned out. It took me a full year + to recover. All I could do for three months was work and sleep. I did nothing else! It was completely by the grace of G_d that I kept my job, and in all honesty, I have no idea why I still have this job but I do! I know He kept me through it all and was with me while I recovered physically and mentally. Now I have moved on to repairing a sorely neglected home. The finances are just not there to do everything I need to do. Oh have I been praying about this! If there is any one thing I can say to help anyone else it is make sure you take care of yourself nutritionally. Caregiving is about the most difficult job you will ever do. Exercise whenever you can, walk if that is all you can get in but do it! It was difficult for me while mom was in her home because she fell often even with her walker. Leaving her alone for an hour is something I was just not comfortable with, unfortunately for me. I know this is long, but eight years worth of caregiving, I learned a lot, and most of all I suggest: 1. take care of yourself the best way you can 2. if your loved one is in a nursing home become a human watch dog and speak out! 3. hiring an elder care lawyer was a smart move for me and I would suggest this if you need to transition to the state.
