Stories from Caregivers: Dave from FLORIDA
FL
Dave
FROM FLORIDA
Mom's second fall on the basement stairs was a blessing in disguise. Mostly self-sufficient at 87, Mom was starting to lose balance, mobility and memory, all stemming from a history of many small strokes. But she enjoyed living in rural Missouri on the family farm of my stepfather, John. But the Sixties-era farmhouse wasn't built for age-friendly living. The freezer and laundry were in the basement, down steep, dark stairs. At 90, John also was increasingly frail. After he went into a nursing home 30 miles away, Mom was suddenly isolated. She no longer drove. Fortunately, her falls resulted in only bruises, but they forced a decision. So Mom moved to our home in Florida, and I became a caregiver. I knew about caregiving, in theory. I work for AARP, for heaven's sake. But theory isn't reality. I expected that I'd help Mom with doctor's appointments and medications, cope with finances and arrange for companionship and help with small household chores. I didn't expect weight training. As Mom grew more frail, I needed to be able to safely lift her into a bed or vehicle. At 165 pounds, she weighed 20 pounds more than me, so weightlifting became part of my fitness routine. We had many things going for us. I had AARP's great caregiving resources (see www.aarp.org/caregiving ) and good connections to elder-service professionals. Also, my brother, Ed, is an internist. Ed was very patient in helping us develop detailed advance directives, working out exactly what care Mom wanted and didn't want. I relied heavily on his counsel, and my sister's support. An extra suite in our home made independent living easier. It had wide doors, a big bedroom, a large wheelchair-accessible bathroom and shower, even a screened-in porch - and no stairs. We loved our time living with my mother, and she enjoyed Tallahassee's Southern charm. But over three years, her brain health continued to decline. Her mobility suffered, too. Then came colon cancer. While she recovered from surgery, sustained low blood oxygen levels weakened her and made a nursing home a necessity. Skilled nursing care came with new challenges. A Tallahassee nursing home provided outstanding care - and I made darn sure they did, by visiting frequently, bringing little presents for the care staff and meeting frequently with administrators and nurses. Sadly, many other residents got no visitors. The hardest part of my caregiving journey came at the end. Mom's declining brain health eventually cost her the ability to swallow. That led to pneumonia and a medical crisis. I faced an agonizing decision: hospice. I could not have made the decision without those invaluable advance-directives talks years before. (When the "death panel"� scare tactics surfaced later, I had to struggle with anger.) When AARP fights for you to get help in keeping your loved ones living independently at home, for me that fight is personal. After all, your mother - or father, spouse, or other loved one - deserves the best care we can give . . . like Mom got.
