Sex and Dating After the Death of a Partner

What many fail to understand is that the desire and need to connect intimately doesn’t disappear when a partner or spouse dies. “Our partners would want us to feel joy, to feel connection,” says Harris-Jackson, who is based in Altamonte Springs, Florida. “And if you’ve been with someone for many years, that need for connection becomes that much more important. I encourage people to be gracious with themselves and lean into that connection.” ​​

What does sexual intimacy after grief look like, and how can you navigate it? Here are some tips to help.

​​Get in touch with your grief.

The most important step in your journey through grief: a willingness to feel your loss fully.

​​“If you can feel the sadness, it opens up great opportunities to feeling lots of things – like pleasure,” says Wise. ​​

Learn to be connected again – physically and mentally.

To renourish your body, mind and spirit, Cooper suggests engaging in activities that bring pleasure: spending time with friends, doing physical exercise that makes your body “wake up,” playing contact sports, masturbating. As a way to learn how to touch and be touched again, she recommends taking a massage class or partnered yoga. ​​

Cooper, who founded the Center for Love and Sex, which offers individual and couples therapy, also says joining a grief support group can create a safe space for talking about loneliness and longing. ​​

In the absence of peers to talk to, Harris-Jackson suggests exploring grief groups on online platforms like Reddit or Facebook. “This is where conversations can take place about longing and feeling horny,” she says. “You can see and learn from it.”

​​Wise, a licensed psychotherapist with a doctorate in cognitive neuroscience from Rutgers University, says it’s helpful to bring attention and awareness to the genitals. Just using your imagination can activate the brain, the body’s most important sex organ. ​​

“Prime the pump by having sex with yourself, not even orgasm necessarily,” she says. That action strengthens the connection between the genitals and places in the brain that release mood lifters like oxytocin, endorphins, dopamine and serotonin. “It’s like flushing the system, creating a reset and forming a space for feeling the good feelings.” ​​

Expect men and women to want different things.

Many older women, according to Harris-Jackson, tend to be more interested in casual relationships. “They just want to be sexual and connected – plus dinner,” she says. “They don’t want more caretaking, more grief or a heavy level of commitment. They’ve already nurtured their children and their partner.” ​​

Men, however, often want a wife, another nurturer, says Harris-Jackson. “The desire to marry again and be nurtured is rooted in comfort,” she adds. “For men, it can be scary to be alone and be responsible for the caregiving tasks that their partners once did.”

​​Learn to share.

It’s important, early on, to share what you’re feeling with your new partner. “If there’s anxiety, share that. If there’s nervousness, share that. If there’s excitement, share that,” Harris-Jackson says. “Name the feelings.” ​​

Also talk about physical concerns: aches or pains that might make some sex positions uncomfortable. “A lot of older adults haven’t dated since before the AIDS crisis, so you need to talk health status, use a condom, use lubrication,” she adds. “It’s not that you won’t be intimate, but this dictates how you’re going to be intimate.” ​​

Get expert help when you need it.

One other key piece of advice from health care professionals: Consult a doctor to talk about issues like vaginal atrophy or erection challenges along with possible solutions. ​​

“Often, I see women who’ve been married to someone who’s been ill for years – and haven’t had sex in many years. Now, they’ve met someone and want to get back on the horse,” says Washington, D.C., gynecologist Marilyn Jerome, M.D. “Dating apps, talking about STDs, using condoms, getting tested for sexual health – this is all new to them.” ​​

Accept pleasure as a healthy part of life.

“Pleasure is not a luxury,” says Wise. “It’s a necessity for a well-working emotional brain. It’s important for us to seek healthy pleasures, things that feel good and are good for us. Sex can be in that category.” ​