How to Support Your Adult Child With Cancer

Do know your role

Parents might want to jump in and be an active “protector,” Land-Davis says, but that isn’t always what their adult child needs.

“As a protector, you want to talk to the doctor, you want to talk to the nurse, you want to talk to the navigators, but that’s not your role, especially if you haven’t been given permission by your adult child to take on that role,” Land-Davis says. 

Shen says checking in with your child is a great way to figure out the role your child wants you to fill. This communication is “so important” because an adult cancer patient’s needs “can be wildly different from one child to the next.”

Losada-Bekou also says you also should be mindful of other support people your child has in their lives.

“Depending on their stage of life, they may have a partner, siblings, friends, their own kids who might be supportive of them as well,” Losada-Bekou says. “So that means that you might play, as a parent, a larger role or a smaller role. And that’s OK.”

Don’t share information about your child’s cancer before asking if it’s OK

As your adult child deals with cancer, it is up to them how much they want other people to know about their journey. So Land-Davis cautions parents against sharing private information . 

Land-Davis says she counseled a family where an adult child opted not to share her diagnosis with family, but the mother shared it with another family member. Land-Davis says she understood the mother’s need for support as she watched her daughter go through treatment and lose her hair. But Land-Davis says a resource outside of the family, such as a licensed therapist, would have been a better option for support.

Don’t give unsolicited advice

Giving advice to children often comes naturally as a parent. But make sure to ask for permission to share your opinions, Losada-Bekou says.

“Try to avoid being intrusive,” she says. “Your opinions are not always going to be requested. So try to avoid just giving unsolicited advice, if you can, unless it’s asked for or you asked, ‘Do you mind if I share with you some things that I might do or I might suggest?’”

Do be direct

Being direct is the best way to learn how to help your son or daughter in exactly the ways they want. If you’re up front in asking, you’ll be able to offer support as needed and avoid becoming overbearing.

“Asking directly, ‘How can I support you?,’ ‘How can I be there for you?,’ I think is a really powerful question,” Losada-Bekou says. “And this can be not only emotional support, but, when someone is going through a cancer diagnosis, they may really benefit from help with things like transportation, child care, making meals, helping them coordinate certain things like appointments or medications, and things like that.”

Part of being direct also means you should not shy away from difficult conversations your son or daughter wants to have — even if they bring about challenging feelings. Losada-Bekou says some parents will try to avoid these hard talks in an effort to protect their child, but it’s critical to be open to them and engage without judgment.

“Sometimes those topics can be really tough, like death or dying. And that, of course, is never comfortable for a parent,” Losada-Bekou says. “But placing yourself in your child’s shoes and imagining how difficult it must be to even have that discussion, I think, puts you in a place where you might be more open to that conversation.”

Don’t invalidate your child’s feelings

No matter how old your child is, it’s very natural to want to nurture, according to Losada-Bekou.

“Unfortunately, when that effort is made to try to fix things … we can inadvertently make them feel more helpless, you know, almost childish in a way,” Losada-Bekou says.

She says it can be easy to accidentally invalidate your child’s feelings as you’re trying to make them feel better. So parents should make an effort to acknowledge those feelings rather than “fix.”

“So, for example, if you have a daughter who just lost her hair as a result of chemotherapy, and you are really making an effort to make her feel better, saying, ‘Oh, you look wonderful to me. No one’s going to notice,’ you know, those are things that I think are very natural for a parent to want to say, but ultimately can invalidate the feelings that they have,” Losada-Bekou says.

Do try to help them achieve a sense of normalcy

Baumgarten says, “Most cancer patients fight hard not to lose their place in relationships and work.” So, even if you think your child needs to rest and take a break from a lot of their normal activities, it’s crucial to support them if they want to continue with whatever parts of their normal life that they are able to manage.

“No one wants to be a patient,” Baumgarten says. “Quality of life plays an important role in how someone can tolerate the diagnosis and treatments.”

Shen says maintaining normalcy in the relationship you have with your child can also make a big difference — especially if you were close with them before their diagnosis.

“If you are involved in the day-to-day of their life or you do check in with them regularly before diagnosis, do not shy away from that after because you don’t know what to say or you’re not exactly sure how to get it right,” Shen says. “I think just the presence and involvement of parents for kids who have that close relationship is so meaningful, and you can figure that out together.”

Even if you weren’t super close with your child before their diagnosis, Shen says checking in and showing that you care “can also be really meaningful.”

In addition, don’t forget to offer your adult child some normalcy by talking about things other than cancer. Losada-Bekou says she hears a lot of patients talk about needing a break from the c-word.

“Having conversations about other things doesn’t mean that you’re ignoring what they’re going through,” Losada-Bekou says. “It just means you’re giving them a little break, a little distraction from that particular topic that they’re probably talking about or thinking about all the time.”

Don’t forget to take care of yourself, too

Remember you can’t be the best caregiver or support system you can be if you’re neglecting your own needs. Losada-Bekou says she’s seen many families come to her hospital wanting to spend every moment supporting their loved one. But she always encourages them to get some good nutrition and sleep.

“It’s that classic, you know, putting the oxygen mask on yourself first, kind of thing,” she says. “If you’re not taking care of yourself, you're just not going to be in your best place to take care of someone else. And we often have to remind families of that.”

Prioritizing that self-care can look different for everyone, Land-Davis says. Some of her recommendations include finding a support group, seeking a therapist, trying a yoga class and journaling your feelings.

No matter what your situation is like as a parent supporting your adult child with cancer, know there are people out there who can help you through the journey.

“Always explore the supportive resources that your health system might have,” Losada-Bekou says. “There’s not only resources for the patients themselves, but their families as well.... So don’t be afraid to seek help.”