Staying Fit
How much do you know about the person you've arranged to meet tonight? You've gleaned what you could from emails, a phone conversation or two, his online profile or the friend who fixed you up. But you still don't know what to expect — and that's to be expected. To help you get through that first date without having to medicate yourself, let me suggest three rules to follow (and, yes, sometimes break).
Rule #1: Do not take your date's behavior personally
Why to follow Rule #1: If your date is nasty, cheap or orbiting another planet, he was like that before he met you. The way he acts has nothing to do with you.
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When to break Rule #1: If you've noticed a pattern — if all or most of your dates act nasty, cheap or extraplanetary — take it personally. Very personally. It means that, like the poor fellow who failed the Grail Knight's challenge in Indiana Jones, you "choose poorly." Really poorly. Now ask yourself: Why do I keep doing that?
We are who we are long before we meet other people. (Just as they are who they are long before they meet you.) Among the men I once dated was one who, within three minutes of our meeting for brunch, started raging about his ex-wife — and then, to my astonishment, about the four ex-wives who preceded her. Another man knocked back three scotches in the time it took me to get through half a glass of merlot.
"That's a neat trick," I told him.
"Yeah, well, new people make me nervous," he replied. He was lit — and I was put out.
Admittedly, I had — and still have — some sizable issues myself. For example, I repeat myself. I don't do it to annoy people, it's just who I am. The problem is deep-seated and goes back to my childhood. I brought that flaw along on more than one date, where — have I mentioned? — I had a tendency to repeat myself.
Rule #2: Listen more than you speak
Why to follow Rule #2: Most people love to talk about themselves; showing an interest will put them at ease and draw them out.
When to break Rule #2: a) If your interest brings the other person out — far out; or b) if, by nature, your date is the Orator From Hell.
There is patient listening, and then there is punitive listening. You'll understand what I mean if you've ever dated a lawyer.
Or a Stu. Stu was a marketing consultant I dated for all of two nights when I was newly divorced in the mid-1980s. At the beginning of our first date, I casually asked him about his work. He not-so-casually informed me it comprised four main elements: lecturing, private consulting, research and something about data analysis, which — even with the "benefit" of his lengthy explanation — I failed to grasp.
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