Staying Fit
Getty Images
During my caregiving years, I had a list of people in my mind with whom I was angry.
There was the family member who made weak excuses to avoid caring for my mother with dementia. There was the distant relative who unfairly criticized my caregiving. And there was my mother herself, resentful of my intrusion into her life, who treated me as if I were her enemy.
AARP Membership— $12 for your first year when you sign up for Automatic Renewal
Get instant access to members-only products and hundreds of discounts, a free second membership, and a subscription to AARP the Magazine.
My anger seemed to me like a perfectly justifiable response. I did not need them working against me to make caregiving any harder than it already was.
This month marks six years since my mother died and my job as a caregiver suddenly ended. Nowadays, my better self tells me I should have long ago forgiven the people on my old list. But on too many occasions, I still find myself sourly recalling how others disappointed me and then feeling fresh indignation.
I am not the only family caregiver stuck in anger. While counseling hundreds of current and former family caregivers, I have heard many who are still furious at the siblings and other relatives who weren’t there for their aging parents or for them in their hour of need.
“If they couldn’t help Mom when she needed them,” I remember one former caregiver saying emphatically, “then I’m not interested in having anything to do with them after Mom is gone.” These cutoffs, while understandable, are often regrettable.
Caregivers eventually lose the person they have spent years caring for. Do they want to lose other family members, too? And would the care receiver have wanted family members to cease being family to one another?
Psychologists frequently say that forgiveness helps the forgiver even more than the forgiven and that holding on to anger only leads to bitterness. But how can family caregivers manage to forgive? Here are some ideas:
More on Caregiving
Long-Term Care: Advice & Resources from AARP
Experts advise you start planning for long-term care needs as early as possible. Learn where to start
How to Handle ‘Hard Feelings’ After Caregiving Ends
Guilt and withdrawal can make the grieving process even more difficult
How to Keep Frustration, Anger at Bay When Caregiving Is Difficult
Finding patience is crucial when stress levels skyrocket