Preventing Illicit Sexual Relations Sustained in Cyberspace
Preventing Illicit Sexual Relations Sustained in Online
By: Sallie Foley |
AARP Books
Sex &
Love for Grownups
Sallie Foley gives the ins and outs to marriage, dating, and relationships, in her book "Sex & Love for Grownups: A No-Nonsense Guide to a Life of Passion."
Q: I recently discovered that my husband of 15 years has been e-mailing a woman he met a few months ago. She confides intimate details of her relationship with other men, asks for his advice, and talks about how much she values his "friendship." She also questions why he never mentions his wife. Should I confront him about this "secret" relationship?
A: Unless you’re married to Dr. Phil, your husband is getting more from his covert cavorting than the altruism rush of dispensing sound counsel. He’s indulging in virtual voyeurism—and by flaunting with flair, she’s enabling him. Perhaps I’m wrong; perhaps your husband really is auditioning a new set of friends. What’s beyond conjecture, however, is that cyberspace abounds with surreptitious spouses—and that he has stumbled onto a modern-day Mae West. Their e-mail exchanges are not so much “talk” as titillation.
Let’s devise a plan to resolve your marital troubles. We’ll start with a refresher course in Internet usage. Call it Virtueless Reality 101.
The Internet is both a treasure chest and a trash dump. Many people go there with a specific (and non-skanky) goal in mind: They want to buy a certain book, book a seat to a certain destination, or track down a certain fact that will complete their Ph.D. thesis (or daily crossword puzzle). Other people, however, go to the Net to see what will turn up: They sweep cyberspace with their mental detectors, hoping to uncover a buzz. They choose fantasy over reality—and expect to elude detection by hiding the booty.
The expert on Internet abuse is Dr. Kimberly Young of Pittsburgh. Her two books—Caught in the Net: How to Recognize the Signs of Internet Addiction and Tangled in the Web: Understanding Cybersex from Fantasy to Addiction—are indispensable primers on what has become an underground plague. Convenience, anonymity, and escape draw people to the Internet, says Dr. Young. That escape may take the form of sexual thrills, or it may entail a more metaphorical release—from pressures, from fears, from real-life problems.
As you’ve discovered, though, the thrills are far from free—they’re costing you big time. It’s time to stop the flame drain and salvage the marriage.
Before you take him to task, take stock of what you’ve got: Are you satisfied with the level of intimacy, communication, and sexual expression the two of you share? If not, get ready to invest in some real-life growing up as a result of pulling the plug on fantasyland.
Tell him your role as the “never-mentioned” wife just ended. Explain that, acting on a hunch, you did some snooping that revealed his alter e-go. If he is embarrassed and apologetic, he may indeed have made a colossal blunder that has left him older and wiser. In that case, his eagerness to make amends will go a long way toward putting the incident behind you. And get through this hard time you will, just as you survived those 3:13 a.m. phone calls from your teenagers, or that year the neighbors bred the pit bulls.
If he acts fortified rather than mortified at your detective work, however, you’re dealing with a mistake of a different make. Remain unmoved by any accusations of duplicity; that sort of phony self-righteousness will only distract you from the hard work—and clear choices—ahead. Either she goes or he goes—out the door. In short, this cyber-relationship must be killed in order to keep your own flesh-and-blood relationship alive. Ask him—no, direct him—to end it and erase all saved files.
Purging his human hard drive, though, may take much longer. I suggest you both read Tangled in the Web and talk about the everyday pressures that make fantasy and escapism so intoxicatingly appealing. Discuss each person’s triggers for feeling vulnerable, unappreciated, or stressed out. With a bit of luck and a realistic shoulder to life’s wheel, you may be able to redesign your lives so that he gets more out of reality—and you both get more out of your marriage.
From Sex & Love for Grownups, by Sallie Foley, pp. 115-118.
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