Q: My wife died two years ago, and I think I’m ready to date, just for companionship. But after many years of being with one person, I have no idea where to begin. How do you get back in the dating game again?
A: Let your friends know you’re prepared to start dating again, then sit back and watch the matchmakers work. And don’t worry—the rules of the game didn’t change all that much while you were married. Dating still uses the classic three-part plan: 1) See woman. 2) Talk to woman. 3) Call woman up, and take your shot. To calm your nerves, don’t think of it as “dating.” You’re only looking to see where being around each other leads.
Just skip the restaurant-and-theater-tickets drill. The pressure of a big, fancy first date is best left to kids who haven’t learned yet that it’s overkill. If you meet someone who you think has potential, start modestly with lunch, or maybe coffee at a local café. Going to a lecture on a nearby campus? Ask if she’d like to come along, then suggest stopping for a piece of pie. You’re most appealing when you’re doing something you enjoy. Three rules: Be positive, talk about the future, and be curious about her. Resist making that joke about how awkward it is to be on a date after a zillion years—it’s a clunker.
Now, you say you want to date again, “just for companionship.” Does that mean you don’t want love? Or sex? After all, those are two of the best incentive awards out there. Just be sure you’re not aiming low because you assume they can’t happen to you again, or because you fear dishonoring your late wife. “After a long, loving marriage, it’s sometimes difficult to let go of your spouse,” says Patti Britton, Ph.D., a sexologist in Los Angeles and expert for iVillage.com. That’s why middle-aged men invent hundreds of lame reasons not to call back a perfectly charming woman. Stay open to the possibility of finding a soul mate for the third act of your life. It happens all the time!
From Sex & Love for Grownups, by Sallie Foley, 2005, pp. 22-24.
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