Divvying Up the Old Home Place
By: Source: AARP.org Date Posted: 2004-04-02 13:10:00-05:00
Three sisters in their 40s gathered one summer to empty the house where their late mother had lived since they were children. Tempers flared as the siblings tussled over items that more than one of them could not live without. To quell the bickering, they placed disputed items on a "fight shelf," which grew into a "fight room" as the weeks wore on.
In the fall, the sisters returned to divvy up the goods. Drawing straws, they took turns and each selected a few meaningful items. Soon, however, the pickings began to look slim. As one sister considered the merits of an ugly tray, they all burst into laughter, wondering what could have possessed them a few months before to hang onto—and fight over—a roomful of rubbish.
For Linda Hetzer and Janet Hulstrand, authors of a new book, Moving On: A Practical Guide to Downsizing the Family Home (Stewart, Tabori & Chang), the story illustrates two paths to success in dismantling a family home while keeping the peace and saving the memories: Take your time and communicate.
Emptying a house that holds generations of memorabilia is daunting, Hetzer says. "Most people who haven't been through it don't understand how tedious it is—or how emotionally and physically draining it can be."
Hetzer and Hulstrand advise taking breaks to collect memories. Browse through old photo albums, dance to 45 rpm records or watch those old Super 8 movies. Or turn on a tape recorder as family members talk. You might be surprised how different your siblings' memories are from your own.
"Taking your time lessens the intensity and stress," Hulstrand says. "And it allows for communication to take place."
Taking time also provides an opportunity to sort out what to keep, what to give away (and to whom) and what to discard. It gives family members a chance to share memories and work through any conflicts. It also, the authors say, reduces the odds of inadvertently throwing out something valuable—or of suspecting that another family member pitched something you wanted to keep.
Hetzer and Hulstrand decided to write the book after helping their own fathers move into apartments from homes their families had occupied for decades. Both authors came from families of savers, and their parents' homes—in Minnesota and New York—were repositories for things belonging to several generations, from a pitcher and washbasin Hetzer's grandmother brought over from Sweden to a collection of women's millinery that Hulstrand's great-aunt had made. Both authors worked closely with siblings to pass on or dispose of all the stuff.
Amid the practical advice and checklists in the book are anonymous anecdotes from other folks who have "been there."
"When we asked people what they thought was important to tell others," Hulstrand says, "they said, 'Before you do anything—think.' "
Approached in the right way, the writers add, the task can offer sweet moments of reminiscence, family bonding and even some fun.
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