Grief as Fear

By Gail Sheehy

As a firefighter, Keith Wolfard was used to saving people from death. With strangers, he could protect himself with emotional detachment. "With someone you love who has Alzheimer's, it's entirely different," he says staring at a photo of his pretty, young second wife, Daphne. "It's emotionally draining. The person you looked forward to having a good, full life with, enjoying the things we all look forward to, you're seeing now deteriorate before your very eyes, slowly, very slowly."

As his shield against the fear of his own destruction, as a husband and a rescuer, Keith escalated to Playing God. Those of us who make this turning in the Labyrinth of Caregiving do so out of the most conscientious and compassionate of motives—and also out of fear. We have concentrated so much effort on fixing the problem, we come to believe it is up to us to save our loved one. And up to now, we may have been a large part of doing so. The person we are taking care of may have come to share that belief, reinforcing our own delusion. We become eternally vigilant. But we are setting ourselves up for a great fall, because the cold truth is, we cannot control disease, and we certainly cannot defy death.

• Continue reading Gail's journal on Keith and Daphne