How to Help Someone With Depression

“Try not to be judgmental or critical, because they are already critiquing themselves, calling themselves inadequate or a failure. Negative, self-condemning, self-critical thoughts are pretty common for people who are struggling,” Benzio says. “Try to stay away from comments [such as], ‘you’re lazy, you’re broken, you’re worthless.’ Also, be careful not to see the way they are now as their long-term potential.”

Urging your loved one to open up about their feelings can interrupt their negative self-talk, Usmani adds. If the person with depression says, “I hate this,” you can respond with questions: “‘What makes you say that?’ Or ‘What are your thoughts about this?’” Keep the questions open-ended rather than asking the kind that yield conversation-ending yes or no answers.

However, if you notice the severity of symptoms is worsening and your loved one is in crisis, get help immediately.

"If a person is going to hurt themselves or somebody else, then there is no decision to make. You just need to get that person in the car and bring them [to a hospital], Usmani says. "This is a crisis. That person is not thinking normally."

Step 4: Help them find help

For those not in an active crisis, therapy is a great place to start. You can take steps to help your loved one find a therapist to talk to.

If your loved one is employed, consider urging them to take advantage of their organization’s employee assistance program, or EAP, which can connect staff with therapists. Most large and medium-size companies have EAPs, as do many small firms. Yet fewer than 10 percent of employees use them each year, often because they don’t know they exist or worry about stigma.

At Emory University’s EAP, counselors regularly hear from employees concerned about a family member with depression or from family members seeking help for an employee, says Gaston, who is outreach coordinator and family liaison officer at the university’s Faculty Staff Assistance Program.  

Be ready for the counselor to ask about symptoms, the person’s motivation to get help and their safety risk, she says.

Emory University’s EAP, for example, offers eight sessions of talk therapy at no cost. It also offers referrals to community psychologists, psychiatrists and licensed therapists for longer term counseling. Importantly, EAP services are confidential, even for family members making the call. “That is privileged communication between whoever is calling and FSAP,” Gaston says.

Step 5: Offer to be the doctor’s at-home eyes and ears

As your loved one begins work with a professional, it’s vital to stay alert and share any insights on their condition with the provider.

“Often, the patient isn’t a very good historian or leaves a lot of stuff out, or doesn’t think something is important,” Benzio, says. That’s when going along to appointments and sharing any observations with the provider is invaluable.

“Allow the patient and professional to have their private time to talk,” Benzio says. “But at the beginning or end of the session, say ‘I’d like to share some things I am not sure my spouse was open enough about or recognized was important.’”

He offers an example of a patient who “used to play basketball with the grandkids when they came over on the weekends and now he just sits in a chair and watches.” The patient might not notice the subtle changes in their life, but the spouse does and can convey to the doctor how much this person has changed.

“If you are in a situation that your spouse or loved one is struggling with depression,” Benzio says, “these interventions … will not only help them feel better but also significantly prevent the decline or the spiral that this depression cycle can lead to.”

7 extra ways you can show support*

The good news is that many people will overcome a depressive episode with treatment, although the process can take time, Benzio says. “It took a while to get this way, so it is going to take a little while to dig out. But it is very possible to dig out.”   

He offers several steps you can take to help your loved one with depression.

1. Be positive and engaging. Remind your loved one of their past accomplishments or of the assets they possess. Recount what they have, for example, “we have three great kids, we have five great grandchildren, we have a house, we have stable finances,” he says. Whatever those realistic things are may help remind them of their gifts.

2. Create a team environment. Similar to animals in the wild, people are safer as part of a pack than if wandering alone. The worst thing for a person suffering depression is to be left alone with their thoughts, Benzio says. “You want to remind him that ‘Hey, you are part of a group. You belong. You’re connected.’”

3. Encourage proper sleep, nutrition and exercise. Getting a good 7 to 8 hours of sleep every night is so important. When the brain gets rest, it can operate at full capacity. Eating the right foods also helps the body. “Exercise is a great, natural antidepressant and it releases endorphins, those natural opioids that allow us to feel better about ourselves,” Benzio says.

4. Promote physical touch. Whether you are sitting on the couch together or taking a walk, try holding hands. The goal is connecting. Sexual activity with a partner, which releases endorphins and oxytocin, can also further a sense of not being alone.

5. Create a daily structure. To counteract the listlessness that sometimes comes with depression, ensure that each day has value and purpose. Encourage the person with depression to get out of bed at the same time every day, and get dressed — not just staying in pajamas. They should bathe every day or every other day and cook favorite healthy meals. Such actions go a long way in ensuring self-care.

6. Encourage your loved one to help others. People get a huge lift when they are purposeful, says Kaiser Permanente’s Usmani. She shared a story of one patient who couldn’t drive because of seizures and had a family that wasn’t particularly supportive. When the patient reached out to her 85-year-old neighbor who needed someone to help walk her dog, she took on the task. Her depression soon resolved without medication.

7. Take care of you, too. Don’t neglect your own self-care. The healing journey takes time and it’s important not to neglect your own health. Put your proverbial mask on first, Benzio says, so that you can continue to help others. All that good advice about nutrition, sleep and exercise — it applies to you, too.

*Depressive episodes may not always be treatable by lifestyle changes. If your loved one's condition does not improve or worsens after trying these methods, encourage them to seek medical help.