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Laura had heard the cliché about the primary caregiver of an aging parent who is ignored by neglectful siblings. She just sometimes wished it were true for her. In the excitable and opinionated family of seven in which she grew up, everyone needed to have their say on everything. Little wonder, then, that her siblings now constantly questioned whatever decisions she made for their 88-year-old Italian American mother. Whether it was scheduling medical appointments or home health aides, no caregiving choice appeared too insignificant for them to debate with her and each other. She didn’t begrudge them the right to speak their minds; this was their mother, too. But she grew defensive and weary with the frequent arguments.
This is the downside of caregiving teams. Lone caregivers without family support may be at high risk for burnout. The more relatives who are involved in caregiving, though, the greater the likelihood of conflicts and power struggles. These family members may roughly jostle with one another for control over decision-making, thereby damaging their relationships for years to come. But it is the care recipient who suffers the most, feeling distressed and guilty that tasks relating to her health have resulted in skirmishes among her loved ones.
Adult siblings may be most prone to this kind of infighting. They often have early histories of rivalries and mutual clashes. To be dutiful advocates for a beloved parent, they may feel compelled to beat their chests and trumpet their views. That was the case in Laura’s family. She and her siblings were deeply invested in their mother’s care but competed to control it. In fighting for the best means to help her, they sometimes hurt one another.
AARP Care Guide: Help for common caregiving conflicts
How can squabbling siblings learn to pull together in one direction and improve their collective performance as a caregiving team? Here are some ideas.
First, work toward a common vision. Psychologist Eduardo Salas, noted for his research on teamwork, has identified seven key team components, none more important than a shared mental model of what should be done. For caregiving siblings, that means having a clear sense of an aging parent’s remaining strengths and growing weaknesses in order to define the challenges at hand. That’s the only way to know what types of assistance really would be helpful. Next, siblings should create a useful caregiving plan. When they disagree about a parent’s capabilities, they too often become polarized and reach a stalemate (“He can drive!” versus “He can’t drive!”; “She has dementia!” versus “She’s fine!”).
