Then one day, her mother left a voicemail: Her brother was in a dark place. Could Fern reach out? She left a message, thinking, Fine. I’ll probably never hear from him, she recalls. “But two seconds later, the phone rang. It was him.”

That one call cracked the ice. What followed wasn’t easy—a year of tentative conversations, bike rides to avoid eye contact and continuing rocky patches. “But it was real,” she says. “And for the first time in decades, we were trying. I had a brother again.” (Fern’s last name is not used in this story to protect the privacy of her family.)

It’s notable that this reconnection occurred while Fern was in her 50s. Geoffrey Greif, coauthor of Adult Sibling Relationships, has studied more than 700 sibling sets, and while his research shows that 70 percent report serious ups and downs in their connection over the years, many pointed to their 50s as a turning point in repairing rifts. “At 50, life starts to settle,” Greif says. “Careers are more stable. Children leave home. Parents fall ill or pass away. And in that stillness, something unresolved often stirs.”

It should be noted here that not every estrangement should be mended. If a sibling was abusive and denies causing harm, or continues to make you feel unseen or unsafe, distance may be the healthiest option. But in most cases, the benefits of a strong relationship can make the effort worthwhile. Studies show that close sibling ties in adulthood can reduce loneliness, buffer stress and strengthen our sense of self. So what does take?

Identify outdated patterns: Repairing a sibling bond often means confronting what therapist Karen Gail Lewis calls “the ghosts from childhood”—the frozen images we carry of who our siblings used to be, the rigid roles we were assigned (the golden child, the black sheep, Dad’s favorite) and the resentments that never fully cleared.

“You may be 55,” Lewis says, “but your sister still sees ‘little you.’ And you still hear her as the bossy big sister.” Lewis helped pioneer sibling-focused therapy and has worked with thousands of sibling clients over her five-decade career. Most are between 45 and 68. She says healing begins when you’re ready to see your brother or sister not as a relic of the past but as an adult shaped by it.

Reach out gently: Rebuilding your connection doesn’t require plunging into heavy conversations right away. Instead, reach out with a short, neutral message (“Hey, I was thinking about you and wanted to say hi”). That can open the door to communication without pressure, Lewis says. Simple gestures—remembering a birthday, sharing a photo—can chip away at decades of distance, Greif adds.

Keep the stakes low: Try meeting for coffee or a walk. If you live far apart, start with a short virtual hangout—maybe a “walk” where you both head outside with your phones and chat for 30 minutes, Lewis suggests.

Lead with curiosity: You already know your side of the story. This is your chance to understand theirs. Approach them without blame. Instead of “You never listened to me,” Lewis says, try “What was growing up like for you?”

Protect yourself: Politics, parenting, old grudges—some topics may be off-limits at first. Agree to avoid any topic that might spark conflict. “That kind of boundary can actually make room for better conversations,” Lewis says.

Give it time: Reconnection isn’t a straight line, Fern learned. There will likely be delays—and setbacks. She and her brother have fallen out of touch again.

So if you’re thinking of reaching out to a sibling, don’t wait for the perfect moment. Just make the call. It might go to voicemail. Or, as Fern discovered, they might call right back. —David Hochman