THIS IS 50
Adrift in a Sexless Relationship
People in their 50s are having less sex than they’d like. Here’s how to turn things around
STEVE WALSH and his wife, Linda (not their real names), last had sex in 2012. The Walshes married in 2003, raised three children in western Washington state and shared a deep Christian faith. Still, numerous challenges made their bedroom a no-sex zone. Linda survived breast cancer, but the medications lowered her libido. Steve also believes she suffers from undiagnosed depression. Over time their relationship deteriorated, and their sex life ended. The couple are now divorcing.
Steve, 58, is nervous about dating yet eager to end 10 years of agonizing celibacy. “I want so badly to have that closeness with someone,” he says. “I dream about it.”
A surprisingly high percentage of people in their 50s are living sexless lives—and the number is growing. In 2018, 20 percent of Americans ages 50 to 59 hadn’t had sex in the past year. By 2022, the number was 30 percent, according to data from the biannual General Social Survey (GSS), conducted by the University of Chicago’s National Opinion Research Center. How bad is that? The sexless rate was just under 10 percent for Americans ages 40 to 49 and around 12 percent for those 30 to 39.
Even sexually active 50-somethings aren’t necessarily satisfied, according to a new AARP study called “Ageless Desire: Sex and Relationships in Middle Age and Beyond.” Forty-three percent of people in their 50s are not having sex as often as they wish they were, the survey found.
Although the COVID pandemic didn’t ignite this trend, it did accelerate it, says Nicholas H. Wolfinger, who studies the GSS data as a professor of family and consumer studies and adjunct professor of sociology at the University of Utah. Why might this be? Gen Xers are facing multiple mojo-reducing challenges, including sandwich-generation stress and fatigue. Physical changes due to menopause or health issues such as high blood pressure and diabetes can wreak havoc on the libido. Renée Yvonne, a certified sex counselor in Washington, D.C., who specializes in Gen Xers, once dated a man with a low sex drive due to a drug he was taking. “I felt embarrassed because we’re taught that all men want sex,” she recalls. “I thought something was wrong with me.”
For singles, finding a partner in your 50s can feel like entering an alien universe. Just 23 percent of Americans in their 50s have ever used a dating website or app, and only 5 percent did so within the past year, according to a Pew Research Center study. “When we first started dating, there weren’t all of these apps,” Yvonne says. “Some people just say, ‘Why am I going through this?’”
But there is hope. To rev up your sex life, consider this advice from medical and psychological experts.
If your sex drive has diminished …
➤ Call the doctor. Get a physical, and make sure any chronic ailments are under control. Don’t be shy about mentioning your libido. Women can talk to the gynecologist about treatments such as vaginal estrogen. “Dryness is an easily reversible condition,” says Jen Gunter, an ob-gyn in San Francisco and author of The Menopause Manifesto.
➤ Lighten up. Being overweight can affect your sex drive physiologically and emotionally. Dissatisfaction with your looks “translates to low sexual self-esteem,” says Westchester County, New York, gynecologist Alyssa Dweck, chief medical officer with Bonafide Health and coauthor of The Complete A to Z for Your V.
If you want more sex in your relationship …
➤ Talk about it. That’s how to determine where the problem lies. Don’t just assume your partner doesn’t want sex. Ask them what’s up.
➤ Be intentional. Even for loving couples, waiting for sex often leads to no sex at all. Setting a date and time can create playful anticipation.
➤ Give massages. Explore the power and pleasure of touch without expectations. “It doesn’t have to lead to intercourse,” Yvonne says.
➤ Find a counselor. Sex therapy can help couples be open and vulnerable, boosting intimacy, says R. Hutcheson, a therapist with the North Shore Center for Marital and Sex Therapy in Chicago. Seek help via the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists (AASECT.org) or PsychologyToday.com.
If you’re unpartnered or in a celibate relationship …
➤ Take care of yourself. And not just in the obvious way, even though it’s entertaining. Maintaining sexual wellness—for example, by using a vaginal moisturizer—can be beneficial whether you have a partner or not, says Dweck.
➤ Find sensual substitutes. Stimulate your senses in other ways, whether by lighting fragrant candles or by eating delicious food. You deserve to feel pleasure.
➤ Keep hope alive. In 2018, Gunter wrote for The New York Times about her experiences in a sexless relationship. Now she’s in a satisfying three-and-a-half-year partnership. “We met on Match.com,” she says. “I always say I met the love of my life when I was over 50.”—Ken Budd
PERCENTAGE OF AMERICANS 50–59 WHO AREN’T HAVING SEX:
SOURCE: GENERAL SOCIAL SURVEY
WAITING ON A WINDFALL
THE “GREAT Wealth Transfer” from older generations to their heirs is underway. We asked Walter Russell, CEO of financial planning firm Russell and Company in New Albany, Ohio, for his tips for future heirs.
Locate experts Establish relationships with financial pros before any transfers are made. When the time comes, they will usher you through the process and keep you from making costly mistakes.
Talk openly Frank family communication now can help avert inheritance battles later. If all the heirs have discussed their priorities in advance, a bequest can be what the deceased intended: a blessing.
Bide your time It’s natural to mentally spend inherited money in advance, but it’s not wise. “I use a football analogy,” Russell says. “We must first catch the ball before running with it.” —Emily Guy Birken
BEAM ME UP, DUDE
NO SLACKER, HE: A NOD TO THE FIRST GENERATION X CAPTAIN ON ‘STAR TREK’
THE YEAR may be 2401, but Liam Shaw is totally a Gen Xer. That’s the consensus of fans who relished actor Todd Stashwick’s performance as the prickly Captain Shaw in Star Trek: Picard. The tense dynamics between Shaw and his elders—especially Star Trek: The Next Generation vet William Riker (Jonathan Frakes)—reflect a classic Gen X–boomer divide. Will Stashwick return to the role? Perhaps. His character (spoiler alert!) died heroically to save his ship, but as Stashwick himself noted, “it’s not like when you die on Star Trek you die forever.” —Ken Budd
Bring on the robot interns. 82% of Gen X workers say they’d take a pay cut if A.I. could help them get their work done in fewer hours.
SOURCE: CHECKR AI WORKPLACE SURVEY 2023
HIGHER ED
SHOULD YOU HIRE A COLLEGE ADMISSIONS CONSULTANT?
THE USE of private counselors to help students apply for college has almost tripled in recent years. These pros can charge up to $10,000 per student, though some offer a sliding fee scale or assist needy families pro bono.
Finding one is easy via the websites of the Higher Education Consultants Association (HECA) or the Independent Educational Consultants Association (IECA). But is hiring one worth the cost? Experts say that depends on your kid. If a student is already working with a caring school counselor, they don’t necessarily need additional help, says HECA President Scott S. Garbini.
If the family or the student feels at sea, though, a consultant can simplify the process. And even if your kid is basically on track, you may find that hiring an independent consultant offers one attractive perk: It allows you to outsource all the nagging about essays and deadlines to somebody else. —Danielle Rotella Adams
BEAUTY
UPDATE YOUR SKIN CARE ROUTINE
Change your daily habits to keep your complexion glowing
STILL USING Clearasil? We asked experts which skin care habits people in their 50s should drop—or adopt.
Stop stripping your skin with alcohol-based toner. Try a moisturizing formula with glycerin (for dry skin) or aloe vera (for sensitive skin).
Start using a thicker moisturizer. Seek out rich ones with peptides, antioxidants and hyaluronic acid.
Stop exfoliating with rough facial scrubs. Opt for chemical formulas, which tend to be milder.
Start washing with lukewarm water. A hot-water splash parches skin.
Stop using 20 different products. All you probably need: sunscreen, moisturizer, a retinol product (only at night) and vitamin C serum.
Start moisturizing neck and chest for smoother skin. —Anissa Gabbara
MY FIRST TIME...
TAKING MY KIDS TO A ROCK CONCERT
NOT ALL teen boys are about sports and video games. My two sons were far more into science. Drugs or alcohol? No way, Dad, never. A parent’s dream, yet utterly different from their parents as teens. I didn’t want the boys to be reckless, but a little wildness? That’s called growing up.
So I hatched a plan. I started playing Phish, the jam band with lyrics as amusing as their solos are soaring. Both boys were reeled in. So when Phish came to town, I suggested the three of us go. A bit frightened, they said yes.
The hippie-chic crowd set them back at first. But this was one friendly cross section of humanity. When our section mates learned this was my sons’ first Phish show, the boys were instantly popular.
Then the music started, and for three hours we were dancing and hooting and grinning at each other. I think they enjoyed seeing their dad go a little nuts.
Did the experience change their lives? Hardly. But the concert remains a shared milestone.
For me, the night was a reminder that a fun-loving teen lay dormant inside me. I vowed to let him out more often. —Neil Wertheimer
ELECTRO QUEEN
IF YOU’VE BEEN near a dance club lately, you’ve likely heard “Padam Padam,” the addictive hit by Australian pop star Kylie Minogue, 55. Debuted live on this year’s American Idol finale, it reached number 7 on the Billboard Hot Dance/Electronic Songs chart. “We can’t be younger or older than we are; we can only be ourselves,” Minogue has said. “Wherever we are in life, we are still golden.”
MEMBER CHECK LIST
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