By the end of that trip in 2019, he felt like one of the family.

So I was shocked when, six months later, she ended their nearly two-year relationship—via text. She did so while he was flying to a family event in the U.S., and my first thought was one of concern for the young man. I imagined him sitting in an airplane with a broken heart.

Over the phone, I scolded my daughter for what I viewed as a bad decision and unkind behavior. As a result, she began calling me less frequently and sharing fewer details about her life. I also kept in touch with the ex via text and Facebook to make sure he was OK, further alienating my daughter.

Looking back, I’m ashamed of how I handled the situation. Apparently, though, my reaction is not uncommon.

“As parents, we tend to get attached to a person or even a narrative for our kids,” says Antoinette Shine, a New York City–based therapist. “There’s a whole storyline that parents have to come to grips with when a relationship ends. So I think that sense of loss or grief and even confusion makes a lot of sense.”

Dan Upshaw, a family therapist in Atlanta, says parents whose children break up with their partners have the right to feel sadness, disappointment and even anger. But, he notes, it’s important to process that grief separately with a friend or therapist. “First, support your child in their grief” because they will be going through it on some level, no matter how the breakup came about, he says.

Here’s how to support your child after a breakup while navigating your own emotions.

Take a breath. When you first learn of a child’s breakup, your best move is to pause and process the information, counsels Upshaw. That way, you can react from the rational part of your brain, rather than the emotional part. Let your child know you have their back, even if your feelings are complicated.

Get the facts. Ask questions before expressing your opinion. Find out how they’re doing, what led to their decision and how you can best support them. “Let them know that you trust their ability to make that decision,” Shine says.

Let go. If you saw your child’s partner as helpful to them or a good influence, it can be disappointing to see the relationship end. But, Shine says, your child is learning to make decisions about what their adult life will be like and who they’ll spend it with. They’ll be better off later if they’re able to approach new relationships with what they want in mind.

Tread gently. If you have concerns about how your child ended the relationship, approach the subject with curiosity, not judgment. “Curiosity and defensiveness really have a hard time existing at the same time,” Upshaw says. If the manner of the breakup seems out of character, tell your child that, then ask if they would be willing to tell you more about how they came to their decision. “That takes it from ‘How dare you’ to ‘What are you struggling with?’ ” he says.

See clearly. Your child isn’t a baby anymore. It’s important to acknowledge that and respect their decisions about their own life and future. Doing so will go a long way toward keeping them close emotionally, even as they venture further out into the world.