THIS IS 50
My Mother, My BFF
Many 50-somethings say they’re closer to their folks than ever. Here’s why—and what to do if you feel left out
IT SEEMED UNLIKELY back when teens were rapping along to 1988’s “Parents Just Don’t Understand,” but today, many Gen Xers count their parents among their best friends. In one recent small survey by Talker Research, 63 percent of Gen Xers said they were closer to their parents than ever before.
The phenomenon is “definitely an emerging topic” in psychological research, says Max Zubatsky, associate professor in medical family therapy at St. Louis University. “I’ve also heard a lot about this in groups that we run with child caregivers.”
So how did members of the latchkey generation—which has been called one of the least-parented generations in U.S. history—end up so tight with Mom and Dad? Some of the shift is a natural product of aging. As people get older, they learn to better manage their expectations of others, explains Lynn Zakeri, a licensed clinical social worker in the Chicago area. So your parents’ quirks have likely gotten easier on you ... and yours on them.
There’s also the gift of time. More Gen Xers have living parents than their parents’ generation did at the same age. That means more time for elders—or adult children—to mend fences, according to Jeremy B. Yorgason, a licensed marriage and family therapist in Provo, Utah.
Paradoxically, some of the stressors that make life especially challenging for the sandwich generation can strengthen Gen Xers’ bonds with their parents. Older adults today are reporting increasing rates of loneliness, and more of them are choosing to stay in their own homes than in previous generations, says Zubatsky. Ensuring that parents are safe at home, especially if they live solo, tends to require attention and support from adult children, “which creates more opportunities for the two generations to see each other,” Zubatsky explains. That time and proximity can be enough to deepen family bonds.
Of course, not every 50-something still has their parents, and among those who do, the relationship is not always butterflies and rainbows. Spending more time with a toxic parent won’t necessarily fix things. But if you’d like to be closer than you are, here are some suggestions.
Ask for a lesson. You give your parents tech advice. So let them educate you about something they love, Zakeri advises. It’s funny how a few decades can open your eyes to how much your parents really know.
Create a family book club. Tracy Lamourie, 55, a publicist in Ontario, Canada, finds books for herself and her dad to discuss. “He really got me into history,” she says.
Try a six-week letter-writing challenge. Send messages about memories you’ve shared, five things you love about each other, or recipes that remind you of each other.
Record their stories. Tape and transcribe conversations to help them write their autobiography; compile a family history; or collect and label their old photos, Yorgason advises.
Volunteer together. Performing charitable acts for others has been shown to increase happiness and decrease stress, which can help build closeness.
Hop on a train. Or a plane. Or whatever floats your boat. When you travel together, you’ll be seeing each other in a new context and making new memories. Alyson Austin, 56, shares her Wells, Maine, home with her mother, but the two still make a point of going on excursions together. “We have found things that we have in common as adults that we didn’t have when I was young,” Austin says.
Consider family therapy. It’s not too late to consult a professional counselor, Yorgason says. Even if you don’t agree on everything, you can at least agree on pleasant ways to spend time together. —Leslie Quander Wooldridge