THIS IS 50
The Secret World of Parent Facebook Pages
Closed social media groups can help (or hinder) the transition to college
IF YOUR CHILD has just committed to a college, congrats ... and prepare yourself for a new online adventure. Just as your kid will communicate with future classmates over social media, you may soon be initiated into the strange new world of the parent Facebook group. Almost every U.S. college has at least one of these private groups, which are often created by the institution itself. “One of the reasons is to reduce helicopter parenting by giving the parents who want to get overly involved in their child’s lives an outlet,” says Nancy Darling, a professor of psychology and business at Ohio’s Oberlin College and editor in chief of the Journal of Adolescence. “It gives a place to vent about emotions without burdening the child.” Darling knows this from personal experience. Her son had a chronic illness when he went away to college; a parent group helped her deal with her own anxiety. These groups also allow parents to exchange information that can ease their child’s life on campus. In some cases, though, parents can go too far. On a Facebook group for people who are, like me, the parents of a student at Virginia Commonwealth University, one parent asked: “Does anyone know where my child can buy stamps?”
“How did they get into college if they don’t know where to buy stamps?” wondered my friend Amy McCormick, 55—the mother of two recent University of Wisconsin alumnae—when I told her about the post.
To get the most out of these private groups without doing anything silly, I asked more-experienced parents for advice. Here are their do’s and don’ts.
✓DO: Ask for immediate help if you need it. Let’s say your kid returned to school from break but forgot their laptop. Another parent from your area might be about to make that same drive.
✘ DON’T: Ask searchable questions. “I think some parents may have forgotten how to use Google. They’ll ask questions like ‘When is spring break?’ ” McCormick says. “It’s very easy to find if you just take 30 seconds to look for it.”
✓DO: Remember your audience. Venting frustrations is one thing; complaining is another matter. Your kid is having difficulty making friends? Go ahead and vent; someone may offer help or emotional support. The dining hall doesn’t serve your kid’s favorite foods? Take that up with the university, not your fellow parents.
✘ DON’T: Assume that everyone has had your experience. Darling says parents who didn’t go to college themselves may find these groups particularly helpful as they seek to guide their kids through school. For example, such parents might not be aware of tutoring or counseling services available to their child.
✓DO: Pay it forward. McCormick remembers the helpful advice she got about loaner laptops and progression requirements for engineering majors. In later years, she was able to offer guidance to freshman parents. Study abroad is another area where sharing experiences is helpful, says Brian Barney, 53, whose daughter attended Iowa State University.
✘ DON’T: Forget about private messages. McCormick will sometimes send her advice to another parent via a back channel, to stay outside the fray. “I don’t want to become the know-it-all on a subject,” she says.
✓DO: Maintain some perspective. Let your kid explore and make mistakes. “One of the best things that parents can tell each other is to back off [their kids],” Darling says. Adds Barney: “I try to politely push back, like, ‘They’re more capable than you think they are. And the world won’t fall apart if they mess up.’ ” —Jim Lenahan