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Witty & Wise: Jokes and Quotes

Your AARP

WITTY & WISE

Illustration of an outdoor scene in a park-like setting showing various people in conversation

1. BOSS: How come you only get sick on workdays?

EMPLOYEE: I guess I have a weekend immune system.


2. JANE: What would we get if America switched from pounds to kilograms?

JUNE: Mass confusion.


3. MARK: My grandfather is just the worst.

MARY: Have a kid. Then he’ll be a great grandfather.


4. BILL: I once had a job as a human cannonball.

WILL: What happened?

BILL: They fired me.


5. RESTAURANT WORKER: Do you want your pizza delivered?

CUSTOMER: Yes, please. I hate liver.


6. BAA-BRA: Last week, I saw a wolf.

EWE-NICE: Where?

BAA-BRA: No, just a regular wolf.


7. TOMMY: When my uncle got to America, he only knew two words of English. Now he’s a millionaire.

TIMMY: What were the words?

TOMMY: “Hands up!”


8. MANDY: Does laziness run in your family?

ANDY: No one runs in my family.

QUOTABLES

Portrait illustration of Steve Martin

I think I’ve done really, really well, considering I have a really boring name.

—Steve Martin, 77


I work out three times a week. I work the muscles in my legs. My dad said, “Keep your legs strong, all your life, and you’ll always be mobile.”

—Rod Stewart, 78


The world has changed so much for the better. If I’d been born 150 years ago and I went to the dentist, they’d pour whiskey down me.

—Investor Warren Buffett, 92


Like almost all entertainers, I was out of work for most of 2020–2022. That was tough. At the same time we had a great garden.

—Singer Arlo Guthrie, 76


Are we going to be mean or nice? Unfortunately, people don’t use the brain enough in that respect.

—Primatologist Jane Goodall, 89


Your life improves so much if you’re lucky enough to work with people who make you feel good to be around them.

—Actor/director Ben Affleck, 50


It’s a lot harder effectively negotiating with my kids than it is with our Chinese or Russian counterparts.

—Secretary of State Antony Blinken, 61


Optimism is sustainable. If you can find something to be grateful for, then you can find something to look forward to.

—Michael J. Fox, 62


Water, sleep and sweat, not too much red meat.

—Lionel Richie, 74, on keeping his looks

CREDITS, FROM TOP: ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND; PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

AARP BULLETIN IS A REGISTERED TRADEMARK OF AARP. ENTIRE CONTENTS COPYRIGHT © 2023 BY AARP.

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