Your Life
MASTER THE TOAST
A former writer for ‘Seinfeld’ helps you make a speech that isn’t a bunch of yada yada but leaves them wanting more
It can be a frightening proposition: You have to give a short speech at a gathering—say, your child’s wedding or a coworker’s retirement party. Even worse: You just know that someone is going to shoot video and post it to social media. That’s a lot of pressure.
A professional comedy writer is here to help.
Carol Leifer, 69, has had a long and successful stand-up career. Her relationship many years ago with Jerry Seinfeld partly inspired the Elaine character on Seinfeld, where Leifer worked as a writer and had a bit part as a receptionist. She has also worked on other hit shows, including Saturday Night Live.
In her new book, How to Write a Funny Speech … for a Wedding, Bar Mitzvah, Graduation & Every Other Event You Didn’t Want to Go to in the First Place, released earlier this year, Leifer (with cowriter Rick Mitchell) offers guidance for your occasion. We asked her for her best advice.
Carol Leifer
Carol Leifer
PREPARATION
▶︎ Don’t be lazy
It may be tempting to just show up at the event and “wing it.” Or maybe you think letting AI write your remarks is the way to go. But Leifer says you should take the time to craft a thoughtful speech in advance. “AI is not personal, and the whole backbone of a speech is personal. You’re the only person who has this relationship with this person or couple, so draw on that material.”
▶︎ Do some workshopping
“Practice your speech in front of someone who’s going to be honest and will tell you where it’s good, where it’s bad and also maybe where you should take something out,” Leifer says.
▶︎ Don’t over-imbibe
“People are nervous when they do a speech, so they have a drink and then they feel good—and then they have seven more,” she says. “That’s a mistake.”
CONTENT
▶︎ Make ’em laugh
Come up with a funny story or two about the person you’re celebrating, and the crowd will likely respond. “People want to laugh,” Leifer says. “It lightens the mood.” This can even include funerals or celebrations of life. “It’s really important because people want to remember this person fondly; they want to laugh about them,” she says. Tread lightly at retirement parties, though. “You’ve got to be careful with the age jokes. That can sometimes go very south.”
▶︎ But don’t joke around too much
Remind the audience why the honoree is special. If it’s a retirement party, for instance, “talk about how you’ll miss them and what they brought to the office.”
▶︎ Keep it clean
“Most times it’s a very mixed crowd, so it’s best to go with a no-cursing policy,” Leifer says. There could be some exceptions, depending on the event. “If the whole party is frat brothers, go for broke.” The bottom line: “Read the room.”
DELIVERY
▶︎ Introduce yourself
This seems obvious but is often overlooked, Leifer says. “So many people get up there and start talking, and you’re wondering, Is this a relative? Is this a roommate? Is this their hairdresser? ”
▶︎ Set the tone
“Richard Belzer, the great comedian, once told me, ‘You’re like the pilot up there. If you start to panic, they start to panic. So just act like everything is A-OK.’ ” Leifer says the same applies to speeches. If you’re bombing or it’s a dud audience, just continue to act like it’s smooth sailing. “Nine times out of 10, they’ll think everything is OK too.”
▶︎ Leave them wanting more
Remember that shorter is better. “Keep it five minutes or under,” Leifer advises. Going on too long is a common blunder. “People go on and on. Wrap it up!”
Visit aarp.org/leifer to watch a video of Leifer talking about great speech techniques.
Whitney Matheson wrote USA Today’s Pop Candy blog and has contributed to Slate, The Hollywood Reporter and other publications.