Witty & Wise: Jokes and Quotes

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WITTY & WISE

ILLUSTRATION BY SAM ISLAND

PORTRAIT BY THOMAS FUCHS

Illustrated scene of a park, where various groups of people are walking, sitting, and talking with each other.

1. JOHN: Did you sign up for the company 401(k)?

DON: There’s no way I can run that far.

2. JESS: What do you know about bonsai trees?

TESS: Very little.

3. ADDISON: Why did the ham leave the hospital?

EDISON: He was cured!

4. VINCE: You really should read War and Peace.

VANCE: Not after you spoiled the ending.

5. OLLIE: How do you talk to a fool?

WALLY: Humor them. Tell them they’re right.

OLLIE: That’s ridiculous.

WALLY: You’re right.

6. SAUL: Is your son still afraid of the dark?

SAL: No, now that he pays his own electric bill, he’s afraid of the light.

I just figured out I don’t like being driven around by my kids. Scared (bleep)-less. —TV host and former NFL star Michael Strahan, 52

I’ll have cake every once in a while. But I won’t eat the whole cake like I did before. —The Price is Right host Drew Carey, 66

You want to stay in the game as long as possible, like tennis. Just one more round and one more game. —Sting, 72

I always feel like every adventure is my last. Then I put my whole self into it. Always rock like there’s no tomorrow. —actor and musician Jack Black, 54

Everybody has been very gracious, and they tell me that they love my boys. What mom doesn’t want to hear that? —Donna Kelce, 71, mother of NFL stars Travis and Jason Kelce

The rest of the world probably looks and goes, ‘Oh, that’s old.’ It’s not old. That is wisdom on two legs. —actor Jane Seymour, on being 73

I don’t want to be spending time chasing a part of my life that’s gone. —actor Jennifer Grey, 64, on aging

The standard you hold yourself to is the standard that will be provided back to you. And so I have high standards. —retired NBA star Dwyane Wade, 42

I remember stressing: Is this going to be a hit? I don’t have any of that now. I just sang a song. That’s it. —Billy Joel, 75, on his new single

I don’t believe in awards. If you need a statue to determine who you are, then you got a real problem. —actor Janet Hubert, 68

People come up to me on the street and they’re visibly disappointed when I’m gracious and kind. —actor Susie Essman, 69 (Curb Your Enthusiasm)