9 Statements That Age You Instantly
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According to the latest research*, the following statements and beliefs put you in dangerous risk of aging immediately after you say them. Especially at risk are members of Generation X, who are gradually moving into that age range where they think they are becoming culturally irrelevant. We thought it was imperative to tell you to refrain from saying or thinking these terrible, unhealthy things as soon as possible!
Brought to you by the CPSA (Curmudgeon Prevention Society of America)
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1. “I shouldn’t _________________ because I have a big day tomorrow.”
a. Stay up for Fallon
b. Go out with that extremely hot and enthusiastic 33-year-old
c. Hike up to the ridge to watch the sunset
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2. “What’s the big deal? ________________ sounds exactly like ________________.”
a. Adele / Dusty Springfield
b. Drake / Teddy Pendergrass
c. Maroon 5 / the Police
d. Zayn / Justin Bieber. Wait, I am only 15 years old and already I am acting like a curmudgeon! Help!
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3. “________________ closed? There’s nowhere cool to go out anymore!”
a. That long running ’80s retro night that I haven’t been to since 1998
b. That divey Polish bar that I always walk by but never went in
c. That mommy-and-toddler disco tea dance at that coffee shop
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4. “I just can’t dance to ________________.”
a. EDM (“That’s electronic dance music, duh,” says my nephew.)
b. Reggaeton
c. Gaga
d. Polka
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5. “Jessie’s husband’s golf buddy read a charticle based on a medical study that said ________________.”
a. Your knees, brain and genitals break down exponentially after the age of 45.
b. If you use a cellphone more than three hours a week, you literally killed all the brain cells in your frontal cortex that give you the ability to have a long-term relationship.
c. Kale, avocados and all forms of juice actually CAUSE cancer!
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6. “Forget it. I can’t wrap my head around _______________. I give up!”
a. That Lena Dunham person
b. Flywheel
c. Snapchat
d. The importance of self-love
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7. “A hundred percent of all young people these days________________.”
a. Don’t read anything over 100 words because it doesn’t fit into the screen of their iPhone 6
b. Are entitled, pampered and distracted
c. Don’t know MTV stands for Music Television
d. Aren’t interested in my story
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8. She was always a little creepy, but Great-Grandma Trudy had this saying that has always stuck in my head:________________.”
a. A woman loses her bloom in August of her 34th year.
b. Marry someone you are sexually attracted to and prepare to lead a lifetime of despair.
c. Your grandfather came from a line of oily-skinned eel fishers. And that is why you are prone to adult acne.
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9. “It’s too late for me to ________________.”
a. Pick up guitar
b. Learn a language
c. Change my life
d. Twerk
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*Research is based on one writer who wrote this piece and thinks these
things, and is trying to talk in a sciencey way so that you believe him like other listicles out there on the internets.
Mike Albo is a writer and performer. Have your own to add? Comment below!
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