Grading Nature's Aphrodisiacs

Classic Foods

Figs are a lush, sensual fruit and are very sexy to eat. They are part of a food group with resemblances to sexual organs. Once there was a school of thought that anything that looked like the human genitals was designed to help those organs thrive. Cue the oysters.

Oysters notoriously have the same reputation as figs, but they have the additional property of containing zinc, which has scientific evidence for promoting testosterone increases. (Sadly, you would have to eat so many oysters to get the appreciable zinc increase that you would probably not be able to move, much less feel erotic tension.) Still, these slippery mollusks have a long history of promoting passion and potency, and if you like the silky feeling of an oyster sliding down your throat  —this is your best bet in the aphrodisiac field. Oysters get an A if you like the sensation and a D if it makes you gag.

My Two Favorites

Entire books have celebrated the sensual properties of chocolate. Authors point to the increase of brain activity from caffeine, an increase of serotonin (lowers anxiety), and some added blood flow (always helpful). There is the sensual taste of chocolate, and again, the associations with lovers, Valentine's Day, and sumptuous desserts. But to get all these benefits from the phenylethylamine in the chocolate, you would have to cook up a vat of it. And then who will want you? So chocolate gets an A-.

What is my favorite? The simple-but-elegant, subtle-but-effective, glass of good champagne. (The French know what they are doing.) One glass increases desire without decreasing ability. The bubbles get you aroused faster than anything else on this list. Unless you have a drinking problem or if your health prohibits you from consuming alcohol, I advise never to have a refrigerator without a bottle of champagne. You can thank me later. Champagne gets my only A+