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The Naked Truth

How to Get What You Want in Bed

Try these techniques to help improve communications

For example, let's say the problem is premature ejaculation. Here is a good and fairly realistic dialogue about that issue:*

Partner No. 1: Honey, I want to talk to you about our sex life.
Partner No. 2: (Warily) What about it?
No. 1: You know I love our sex life, but I would like our intercourse to last longer. Could we try some ways to do that?
No. 2: I thought you were fine with the way we made love.
No. 1: I am, but I just want more of it.
No. 2: Well, this is the way I do it.
No. 1: Would you be willing just to try a few things?
No. 2: Like what?
No. 1: I'm not sure. Why don't we get a book? Trying might be fun.
No. 2: Have you been unsatisfied all these years?
No. 1: No. But I love it when we have sex, and I'd like it to go on longer. I guess I'm just eager to have as much of you as possible.
No. 2: OK, I'm up for it. (Both laugh.)

* Unless someone is really, really defensive or starts out angrily.

The point is to reassure your partner that you find him or her sexy or competent or both:

  • State the problem. Don't back down, but try not to make things sound dire or hopeless.
  • Make it a mutual project.
  • Finally, get professional advice (from a book or a therapist) if you think you need a third party to give information and guidance or need help keeping the project from being angry or accusatory.

If you communicate well, there is no reason to have a dull or unfulfilling sex life. Most people who don't have as good a sex life as they would like have never learned how to ask for what they want. If you do, you'll be surprised at how much better things can, and will, be.

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