Caring for the Caregiver

That’s what happened for Susan Jordan, when her daughter, Stacy, began noticing Susan’s energy just wasn’t what it used to be, even after she’d gotten in-home help. Susan concedes that after she injured her knee, “I stopped my daily walking routine for three years.” But it was Stacy, a former high-school athlete, who saw what her mother could not. “She said, ‘Come on, Mom, you can do this! You’re walking and going to the gym with me,’ ” Susan says. “Now, I’m going to the water-aerobics class at the local Y, too! People say I look a lot better—and I feel a lot better.”

Giving attention to health can save a life, experts say, so think broadly—even beyond walks or yoga classes. Take the caregiver in your life along when you have your next cholesterol or blood pressure check. Or help schedule mammogram or colonoscopy tests for the caregiver and then arrange for transportation. This can be of particular help to people in their 70s and 80s, who “are at especially high risk for health problems if they are handling caregiving alone,” says Richard Schulz, Ph.D., director of the University Center for Social and Urban Research at the University of Pittsburgh and lead scientist on the nation’s largest study of Alzheimer’s caregivers, Resources for Enhancing Alzheimer’s Caregiver Health (REACH I and II).

Because many of these 70-plus caregivers are caring for spouses, though, Schulz advises being especially sensitive to relationship issues. The couple may need counseling for long-simmering marital stresses, or they may be embroiled in battles with adult children, he says. They may also be dealing with a basic, and profoundly sad, inability to communicate the way they once did—what caregiving experts refer to as relational deprivation, explains Rose A. Beeson, D.N.Sc., R.N., a researcher and the director of the Center for Gerontological Health Nursing and Advocacy at the University of Akron in Ohio.

Beeson says she’s found in her research that wife caregivers often are hardest hit by the phenomenon, as they tend to give up social activities or other vital parts of their lives more readily. “Women in this position need to keep going out with friends,” Beeson advises. So encourage that. Take them places—“play cards; go to church.” Men, she says, tend to be relatively less depressed or isolated, in part because “people are much more likely to rush to help.” Also, men tend to be more circumspect and see taking care of their elderly wives “as an opportunity to give back to the woman who reared their children and took care of them and their home,” Beeson says.

Still, because all caregivers struggle in some way, experts say that reaching out to help them ease stress, while finding a bit of spiritual peace, might be one of the most positive moves of all. In the groundbreaking Alzheimer’s-caregivers study, deep breathing and other relaxation methods emerged as among the most effective tools for doing this, and these techniques have been highly encouraged since, says Schulz.

That’s not surprising, notes Herbert Benson, M.D., director emeritus of the Benson-Henry Institute for Mind Body Medicine at Massachusetts General Hospital and author of The Relaxation Response (Harper Paperbacks, 1975, 2000), which introduced millions to the concept of mind-body healing and a simple form of meditation. A friend to a caregiver, Benson says, does not have to be a spiritual master to learn a few techniques and then teach. And the payoff can be big.

“You can give a caregiver the ability to be less frightened and to relieve themselves of stress-related problems, such as headaches, irritability, and illness,” he says. “The key is to open yourself to the caregiver’s belief system and work within that.” The relaxation process itself is easy and can be done anywhere and anytime, says Benson. “All that’s required is the choice of a favorite phrase—a prayer or a word will do—and the willingness to clear your mind.”

However you choose to help the caregiver in your life, experts say you should connect in the ways you think will be most meaningful and life-enhancing. And recognize that for all the caregiver’s stress—and the rebuffs of help—that person’s priority is to be of service to loved ones. As Susan Jordan puts it, “I look in the mirror and I can see that I am really tired some days.” But, she adds, “I had a wonderful childhood, thanks to my mom. I’m happy to do this for her. I feel that I’m the one receiving the blessings.”

Sheree Crute is a freelance writer based in New York City.