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I wish I could offer you advice but I can't as I share your feelings and frustrations. My situation is a bit different. Almost two years ago, my father came to live with us (I share a home with my brother.) He is only 71 but because of uncontrolled diabetes, hypertension and other ailments he refused to address he is in poor health. We packed up his filthy, junk-filled home (he lived in another state and would visit us annually for three or so months; we were unaware of how bad things were) and moved him. He is an excessive introvert and had only two friends back home who he spent time with once or twice a month, he did attend church regularly. He and my mother have been divorced for 20 years and go between civil and friendly. In the last two years his health has worsened and he in in mild heart failure and has recently been diagnosed with chronic, episodic kidney failure.
Our big problem is his increasingly degrading relationship with my 22 year old daughter who moved home when she finished school. She is a smart, gregarious, responsible and intensily social only kid. She is out alot at both work and play and it seems to drive my dad nuts that she is frequently out. It does not help that she is the person most honest with him about his deficiencies. He refuses to wear his glasses which has caused problems from dirty dishes that he has "washed" to hygiene issues in shared bathrooms. He says he wants to know but is angry when told. Recently, he agreed to cosign a car note for her and has since been playing a game of okay go ahead and then reneging. As a consequence, she is in danger of losing her deposit since he won't sign the paperwork.
I am 44. I also suffer from chronic pain, depression and anxiety. I had lost my job before my dad moved in and had planned to get another (I have an MBA) when he was settled. Because of his poor health, multiple hospitalizations (including a week in the ICU) and doctor's appointments every two weeks, I have not been able to do so. He also recently said that he would prefer I not go out to work. After exhausting my savings, I depend on him financially to hold up my part of the household expenses (I can't begin to say how much I hate this.) I am looking for at home work but finding it difficult after being out of the workforce for two years. After 20+ years of raising my daughter as a single parent I had planned to have a life of my own. I now have to anticipate giving up another twenty, potentially, to my dad. I am angry and resentful and guilty, all of which is exacerbated by the anxiety caused by the tension between my father and daughter. I think often of packing jeans, t-shirts, a warm coat and my ipad into a backpack and walking away. I know I will never do so but I just don't know how long my body or mind will let me do this.
I believe that my father is at best depressed and at worse beginning to expereince some dementia. I am having him assessed in a few weeks. He was an absentee father even when we lived in the same house and while I have a fair bit of affection for him, it is running low right now and the care comes from obligation. If I have to choose between my kid and him, I will choose my daughter which means he would probably have to move to a home because my brother is too busy (and really doesn't want) to care for him. I don't know what to do and even worse, don't know if there is anything I can do.
I thank you for letting me vent. I wish you all the best and I am going to check out the articles in the other response. Blessings.