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A lazy Saturday and just looking around on the Internet and found this group. I don't know if I should be here. I have joined divorce groups before and since I was the one who left, it always seems like I am in the minority and seen as the bringer of the sadness. 28 years is a long time to invest, hiding the truth from the children, wondering if I would die before I'd ever see happiness. I needed to save myself, to run from the darkness my ex perpetrated, the hardest thing I have ever done, leaving everything and everyone behind. Since I never "told" and hid the truths, my grown children were amazed and the damage I did by "destroying their family" hasn't healed. I have a good job, have restored my credit, live mostly without fear....but sometimes the aloneness and hiding gets to be too much. I feel old and lost. I left 8 years ago and the divorce was finalized 6 years ago...but it seems like yesterday and always will, I think. It's very hard to find joy. It wasn't the way I envisioned living out my life. But you know, even when I say that, I couldn't tell you what that vision might have been. It just wasn't this. Okay - sorry. Too much thinking aloud. Just hi to everyone and I understand.
I am not one to say that a spouse should never leave and a marriage should never disolve. I do not automatically condemn the leaver. There are reasons and there are reasonable ways to do it.
My ex cheated and lied throughout our marriage and I found out suddenly, all at once, after getting an email that said that he was already gone. This after 38 years. Never any discussion or attempts to make things better. He not only shattered my future, he also shattered my past when I realized about all the past cheating and lies. I feel like my whole life was a lie and my marriage a sham. He totally shattered me. It was not so much that he left me, but the suddenness and finding out what he had been doing and the lies he had been living while we were together.
It's all the lies and the affairs and me feeling so stupid for having faith in him all that while and not knowing. He never really gave our marriage a chance and it is amazing that it didn't end in divorce a lot sooner. HOW COULD I NOT HAVE SUSPECTED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! It would have been much better if the marriage ended when I was still young and could just start over. That is a terrible thought, though, because one would never want to wish away one's children.
Like Dr Phil says, you've got to finish what you've got before you start something new.