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I know this is about a week and a half after all the other posts. That weekend was not shaping up to be a very good one for me and I only checked on a few subjects. As I was catching up this evening I ran across this Topic. The first thing that bothers me is the assunption that "men" process grief differently. PEOPLE go through the stages of grief differently. ALL people are different. It is true a man can not encompass all the feelings of carrying a child for nine months. But we are there in other ways. And my son was a Part of me just as he was a part of his mother. I know there are fewer men on this group than women, a lot because they feel it is the "manly" thing to do to go on with life. These people, as there are women in this group also internalize their feelings and the grief comes out in other places or in other ways, Some drink more, some take it out on people working under them, some go off in private and have their "Breakdowns" and a host of other ways they deal with this. Some let it remain pent up deep inside and when it finally comes out it can be anything from emotional breakdown to suicide. But please do not catagorize all men as being able to just "turn it off".
I have been seeing a Therapist since Kenny was killed and actually was already seeing one for PTSD but just recently after several visits to my Psychiatrist and corresponding with my Therapist/Social Worker I was labeled with a fairly new Classification: "Complicated Grief Syndrome". Any of you can Google it and get the general idea of what is considered when making this diagnosis. I realize men are less likely to see a therapist unless they work in Law Enforcement, because of the stigma society as a whole has placed on this. I go weekly to my Therapist and once a month to the Grief Counselor and once a monthto a Group Therapy Session. The Grief Counselor also works with a host of PTSD clients from Ft. Campbell, the 101st. Of the 14 people in my Complicated Grief Group six are men, eight are women. There are other Groups and we can change if there develops a strong personality conflict and with well over half of the patients being soldiers back from Iraq or Afganistan, some are well out on the edge. In my group there are 4 male soldiers, and 2 female soldiers all of whom have lost their spouse, soul-mate, life partner, close friend, and one of the soldiers whose brother was killed very near him while both were in Iraq. This diagnosis is for the most part for people who are still having significant troubles after two years of grief. There isone consensus feeling both from clients and Therapists, The worst thing for us to hear and for either our loved one, employers, or anyone else to say is, "It's time to move on", :Life goes on". "Everyone else has moved on", and all the other phrases we have all heard far too many times. I know for Loggers it has only been about a year and I'm sure as is with me, sometimes it may feel as though it were yesterday and other times like it was 30 years ago. This does not diminish your grief in any way, as in fact from what you post I feel as though you have gottenfarther along in your grief process than the rest of us. That does not diminish in any way your place in this group but please to all of you, Do not make the assumption that "men" grieve differently. Everybody does. I feel that with Ken's passing a part of me was also gone. It is. Ken and all of the others carry a part of both parents with them to the grave. I raised my two sons without the help of their mother even in the time she was still at home, she rarely interacted with them except to give them money something she would do on her twice yearly yearly visits after she moved away. I was lucky as I had my mother to act as sort of a "Stand in"
But Patty, GG, all of you who have carried this on your minds and in your hearts for two or more years and even those who are halfway to that point, please check out one of the many sites you can find on the subject "Complicated Grief" It is far more common than most would think. "Wakan Tankan Nici Un" TOMMY
P.S. I'll look up those sites and create a Topic on them if I can get them posted.
Tommy, what a great post and source of information. I did take a brief look at "Complicated Grief."
Back in April, I began a topic "Help for Grief & Loss" in which sources are listed for group members and those who browse. But I have been remiss in updating it and advancing it. I will add your new topic when it is submitted as a reference in the G&L help section.
I look forward to further detail and your comments in a new topic on "Complicated Grief."