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I know this reply is being posted about a month after your post but when I read what you were going through I could so relate to it. I also use different activities to try and deal with the aftermath of chemo and radiation. I had stage II breast cancer and it is more scary now than we I first found out about it.
I finished the chemo last March but I am still having problems with my memory and have to try and keep organized so I can remember the things I need to do. I also have family members going through crises right now and sometimes worry even though I know I need to let go and allow them to resolve it. I live 8 hours from my family members and sometimes I think it is the best even though I miss them terribly.
Thanks for sharing.
I still remember the moment that the surgeon told me what he had found. It was a total shock as I was there for hernia surgery. I did not cry. All of my questions were matter of fact.
Waiting for the biopsy results was stressful. I knew it was cancer but not the extent.
The worst though seems to be this period of time. The anxiety over possible recurrence. I think it is because I know I could have died sooner had it not been discovered. And the 'in your face' reality that Yes, some day I WILL die. I think it could be 2 years or 20 years. Of course, I know too, it could just as easily be 2 minutes. It's as though I have a number in my hand at the deli or the bakery and I am waiting to be called. I see a number on the wall and don't know how long it will be until it is my turn.
The illnesses of others brings my life into focus very sharply. How I miss the years of my 20's and 30's when I thought if my house fell on me I would be able to walk out from under it. I feel so fragile now. So vulnerable.
I am trying with all of my might to stay in the moment. I try to allow myself a measured amount of time in the day for reflection and then tell myself I must enjoy THIS DAY which I have been given.
faith, courgae, hope,love